Husband has stage IV cancer

Hello bens-paula and all of you that I've read about tonight. It's amazing that I've seen versions of my story written by all of you. I had no idea so many of us were out there. For my husband and I, it's just been a nightmare of one negative diagnosis leading to another and then another. They had originally scheduled my John for a radical cystectomy, after the TUR indicated an invasive type of cancer, but then the pet scan, ct scan & other tests started coming in. Two different doctors said 'it's not good'. And then refer us to another doctor... What in the world does that mean! They both hinted that it might have gone into the lymph nodes and the bones, but nobody would tell us anything for sure.
Finally, the chemo-onocologist told us what nobody would: This cancer had sent seeds into the lymph system and the bone. Then he told us my husband has 8-10 months to live. What are you supposed to do with info like that? After that shock, the doctor says he has a 29% chance of getting into remission on a heavy chemo treatment. If that occurs, all the numbers are shuffled. A small percentage make it to 5 years he told us. So, this is what 'not good' means.... We were told this on Aug. 23. It all started in early May with blood in the urine & pain in the back, almost the same day. Before that started, he was fine, but they tell us it looks like it's been in the bone for a year or so. I don't know exactly when he was diagnosed, but this doctor is saying the results were known in July, around the time of his initial TUR surgery to remove the bladder tumor. It seems nobody wanted to tell us the truth. The chemo started this week and it's horrible. This is by far the toughest thing we've ever been through and we're thankful to have God to help us cope, but it's still so hard. I agree with whoever said that it's good to be able to vent on here. God bless you all. Susan

Hi Maureen, I am so sorry for you and your husband, I know exactly how you just got kicked in the stomach from the news!! It was April 17th for us, then again in June to find out the stage 4 part of it. I know the textbook prognosis for stage 4 isnt good, but I have been hearing from enough good people out there (thanks Rick) to not listen to numbers and statistics!! And I am trying to do just that, but I know its so hard!!! If I can help you in anyway, compare notes with the chemo, be here to listen and let you vent, feel free! I am finding it helps and am so glad I found this web site!! I never dreamed there were so many other people out there in my same situation! I cannot offer many words of comfort either, but just hang in there, try to keep positive, email me if you want and we can keep each other updated and like i said, compare notes.
One thing I have noticed lately within me, is that I have been feeling like my husband is upset with me, or that I am getting on his nerves trying to take care of his every need. It hurts me when I cry and he just ignores it, and then I feel guilty for that because he is the one with the heavy load of having cancer and I feel selfish for thinking these thoughts, like its so petty!
Feel free to contact me anytime to vent or whatever.
take care of you and yours!!
Paula

I know my Mom also struggles with dealing with watching her husband battle each day and her own worries about her future without him. He is 64 and stage 4 as well. He was diagnosed a couple of years ago and has really hung in there. He is still doing fairly well considering he has stage 4 cancer. He insisted upon working right through all of his treatments he took each day as it came. Some days he can last all day at work others he may come home early. He even goes on business trips! So hold out hope. My Dad has a great sense of humor and tries to have a positive outlook most of the time I really believe that even when he's been down and out that outlook and sense of humor have pushed him through. We look forward to spending another year with him this year!
I wish I could get her to use the computer and come online here I know she would just love it.
B-

Hi Paula
Sorry I missed your previous posts but wanted to add my support.I was diagnosed last summer with bladder cancer and had a rc last August my stage was T3a with N 0 and M 0.I was 42 and it really hit me hard.I cant believe your husband is managing to work at all during the chemotherapy he must be made of sterner stuff than I. I know he is a stage further than I was diagnosed with and the prognosis is really hard to live with my consultant gave me a similar one.
However one year on I am feeling pretty good.There is no way I would have believed in January how good I would be feeling now.It was all I could do then to get up in the morning I looked grey and so bad and felt like I looked.I know my family were so worried that I wouldnt make it.Now I am back at work,I swim every other morning and started running again last week.I was back upto 5KM this morning.None of us know what fate has got in store for us and I admit to living from check up to check up but I am determined to live life to the ful and enjoy every single second.
I am sure your husband will pick up quickly from his chemotherapy and really hope he continues to go from strength to strength.I am sure its harder for our families than us and I know my husband had days when he could barely cope but hang on in there and keep us updated.
Lots of love Claire x

Maureen,
My wife and I agree that she has more fear then I do. I spend to much time trying to recover and get use to the inconvience of a bag hanging from my belly. I choose not to worry about the things that I will miss if the unfortunate happened. I understand why my wife runs worst case scenarios through her head though.

My wife and I will celebrate our 22 year aniversary 8/31 (less then 10 hours away).
Since I have already finished my surgery and I am feeling real good, we are going to PARTY.
We have decided to PARTY more for any reason. Our lives might be different but remember; "We are still Alive." - Keep the faith. Rick

Hi Paula,
Today, 8/30, my 52 year old husband & I were told he has stage IV bladder cancer. He will start his chemotherapy (Cisplatin & Gemzar) next week. His 5 year survival statistics are identical to your husband's. Our 29th wedding anniversary is this Sunday. I feel your fear. I can't imagine my life without my true companion. I was overwhelmed to see your post because you wrote everything I have been feeling since his diagnosis on June 15th. I realize I am not offering you any words of comfort here. I'm just so glad to know there's someone else out there trying to get through each day. You are not alone.

Maureen