emotional side of cancer ?

Hi and thanks for the views on this aspect of dealing with cancer. I think it has actually been the hardest part so far to deal with for me. My work has been in management - I solve problems, and direct a crew of 30 people to achieve a desired result consistently and regaurdless of the obstacles that would derail that. To a certain degree - those skills have helped me push for more info and paths to overcoming. The flip side - I didn't let it get personal with my work and I tried to not let it get personal with being cancer. When it did hit me as personal, my normal coping skills failed. Those around me didn't quite know how to handle that. The sharing is helping me get a better approach ...

  My objective is clear however the path to it is not yetfully revealed Hows that for "hmmm..what now" lol
  I still have my faith and I am secure in that. I am still mostly optemistic, I just get a little tired at times. I am still ME - just a little distressed at the moment. This too shall pass...It is what is is and I WILL get thru it...Thank you for helping. Your willingness to be honest and vulnerable to help someone you haven't met is an amazing gift.  Holly

PSWemeet with the surgeon next Thursday late in the day, I got my fingers crossed the 2nd TUR and biopsies are good and that the neobladder will be a go .

Hi,
I didn't cry for about 5 months after my diagnosis. Looking back, being strong for my family helped me a whole lot, if I didn't have a reason to put on that brave face, maybe I would not have been able to muster up the courage to go through with things.

Cancer will change how people relate to you and how you relate to others. There's a syndrome known as "angels and bolters"; the angels are the people that stay close or get even closer in times of crisis, while the "bolters" are the ones who run, who you never hear from again. I'd say it weeds out the riff raff!

After my two sisters got cancer so close together (and then me), I became so immersed in the online support community that people who did NOT have cancer began to bore me. Their problems seemed so trite.

Hello MZ
Think we all have to work through our feelings some days are good some bad for me depends on my pain level which is always there. One thing I find my self doing is putting on a smile for my family when I dont feel like it. I have found this forum a big help because the people all have gone or are going through the same thing and understand.
I find myself irritated at times with people around me when they are just trying to help.when the truth is its myself that I am frustrated with that I cant do things I used to do because I am tired and not feeling well. I am hoping once I have my surgery I will feel that I am moving forward and maybe getting closer to getting my life back again which I have not had the past 4 years

MZ there is absolutely no harm in having your emotions sometimes they are hard to control and we all have good and bad days so do not be ashame of this with your family and they should realize that you may have bad days it's part of the disease but they worry. As much as I try to stay focused positive I to have my days also. When I do I try to do something to keep my mind from wondering too much. Listen to some music, watch a tv show you like, read, or whatever can change your sad thoughts at the time. Yes I know easier said then done. I did notice one thing in the beginning excluding my wife people were afraid to say something to me and I told them I understood but please do me a favor and don't pity me just talk to me the way you always have. I honestly and this is just my nature I never give up on anything no matter what is is I may be worried I am not a liar but I just do my very best to stay positve and I think this has a big impact on my family. Like I told my wife we been married nearly 30 yrs sweetheart if the shoe were on the other foot I would feel I to also have cancer but if I saw her perservering this would most definitely make me feel better. And closing as far as my wife and 3 sons and 2 grandkids if something bad were to happen I always said let it be me and it did unfornately so now it has and I am going to war and try to beat this. Hang In There Good Days-Bad Days, Joe

Mz

My main family issues - and there weren't many - centred around my mum taking on board the lay-speak that we were told in hospital. She still believed, many years into my treatment, that we were dealing with a "wart". It was her way of protecting herself. But it also meant that I had to re-live the initial diagnosis every time I spoke with her. Like that movie Groundhog Day.

I think the role of friend or relative to a person with cancer can be a tough one. They often don't know how to react. And they are bombarded with all the grisly cancer horror stories perpetuated by the media and how they THINK they would react in our situation. I often feel, in the centre of my situation quite a lot calmer than people around me. The "worst" has started happening and I just have to deal with it. As you said "It is what it is and I just have to get through it". In some ways that's a lot simpler than having to negotiate a series of invisible boundaries which is kind of what a carer has to do. One of my greatest fears about my illness is dealing with my family dealing with it!

I found one of my problems was asking people for help. It was only with counselling that I began to realise this. If for example, I really didn't feel like being at work, rather than just putting up with it I'd say to my boss "I really don't want to be here. I'd like to go home". Or if I was hungry but couldn't face the supermarket then I'd invite myself round somewhere for dinner! I found people to be fantastic at support when I was clear. Also, as I became a bit clearer I found them a bit less weird with me. It can aslo isolate you in the sense that then people only react if you are asking for it. Which could cheese me off too!

There have been times in the last couple of years where I've also behaved quite badly towards people without really realising it. Sometimes I wish I could go back and say to some of them "I'm sorry but I'm feeling vulnerable and disempowered. Bear with me." and then give them a big fat hug. You can draw incredible distances around yourself within a cancer diagnosis and treatment without knowing. I remember saying to someone, my closest friend "please don't say you understand my situation because you don't". It's hard to understand that trappedness unless you're in it.


"It is what it is and I just have to get through it", could be my mantra! I'm pretty optimistic generally as a person too. In fact I'm positively chirpy a lot of the time! Even without my bladder.

All the best

Tim

Hello again

 I think I am getting over the initial shocks now from being diagnosed, and starting to get a grip on the medical stuff that goes with it. It is what it is and I will get thru it. However, I have become aware that my friends and family have changed their attitude towards me. I am typically a rather optimistic person with limited bad days and grumpy moments. Since the cancer diagnosis - they are flippin out if I have a sad moment. Do they really believe I am only going to have good days now that I have cancer? It is frustrating, took me all day to convince them that it is ok for me to have a good cry and be upset over lousy care before I get over it. Any input would be appreciated.

  I am trying to utilize the local network for support resources....They only meet once a month BUT NOT IN THE WINTER! LMAO Next meeting is in April....Makes me wonder if they only have cancer when it is warm enough lol?