Lorrie, I want to echo what Julie said.....irritability is a sign and symptom of depression. And that fact he has not talked about it, and that there is a break in the communication in your relationship might have already been a big sign of depression.
My husband has struggled with depression all his adult life. When he was "going into the cave," as I called it, he stopped communicating, except for anger.
When I finally got him the help he needed, it was like night and day. Also, one day I pulled out a picture taken in the 50's of his mother and her siblings. Every single one of them looked like a poster child for depression.
I showed it to him, and his eyes really were opened. It runs in the family, so you can imagine why he would be unable to communicate, especially in the depths of a depressive episode.
One thing that is difficult to impress on depressed people is that the depression is not a weakness, or something they could overcome if they really tried. It is a brain problem, and pain can only make it worse.
You might just make an appointment for him, telling him is it for his pain. You find out ahead of time which doctor you need to see to treat the pain AND the depression (which work against each other), and then you follow their advice. It may take time, but it is worth it.
I read your post last night, and thought about it all night. I was down in the dumps myself, because of my husband's mets, but then I knew that if I couldn't deal with him right now, I could maybe help you, a little.
So tonight, I extend this wish for you. I wish that you can find some help for him. Look at it this way. It may not be for him so much as for you. If his depression gets better, he can deal with the pain better, and then your life is maybe a little easier.
And are you getting any type of talking therapy? Anybody who listens?
If you want to email privately, feel free. Otherwise, keep writing, and keep us informed of your progress.
We really want to hear.
Stephany in Iowa (waiting for the hydrocodone to kick in....I had implants put in today.)