Feeling blue & an update on Bob

Lorrie, I want to echo what Julie said.....irritability is a sign and symptom of depression. And that fact he has not talked about it, and that there is a break in the communication in your relationship might have already been a big sign of depression.

My husband has struggled with depression all his adult life. When he was "going into the cave," as I called it, he stopped communicating, except for anger.

When I finally got him the help he needed, it was like night and day. Also, one day I pulled out a picture taken in the 50's of his mother and her siblings. Every single one of them looked like a poster child for depression.

I showed it to him, and his eyes really were opened. It runs in the family, so you can imagine why he would be unable to communicate, especially in the depths of a depressive episode.

One thing that is difficult to impress on depressed people is that the depression is not a weakness, or something they could overcome if they really tried. It is a brain problem, and pain can only make it worse.

You might just make an appointment for him, telling him is it for his pain. You find out ahead of time which doctor you need to see to treat the pain AND the depression (which work against each other), and then you follow their advice. It may take time, but it is worth it.

I read your post last night, and thought about it all night. I was down in the dumps myself, because of my husband's mets, but then I knew that if I couldn't deal with him right now, I could maybe help you, a little.

So tonight, I extend this wish for you. I wish that you can find some help for him. Look at it this way. It may not be for him so much as for you. If his depression gets better, he can deal with the pain better, and then your life is maybe a little easier.

And are you getting any type of talking therapy? Anybody who listens?

If you want to email privately, feel free. Otherwise, keep writing, and keep us informed of your progress.

We really want to hear.

Stephany in Iowa (waiting for the hydrocodone to kick in....I had implants put in today.)

Lorrie,

WOW! I am so sorry to hear that. I certainly don't envy your position. It's tough enough without having a not so good history to start with.

Even though I'm new to this, it clearly sounds like you need to get out with friends (old and new) and get a support system in place for you.

I wish you the very best also suggest your own bedroom in the house if that is option for you at all.

Best of Luck!

Hi Lorrie - I just want you to know that you (and Bob) continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I know you've had a very tough time along this journey, and I wish I could give you a hug in person to help comfort you right now...but this internet ((hug)) will have to do....know you'll be in my prayers for comfort,strength and guidance. Sincerely, Margot

We had an appt. with the Oncologist today- she cancelled the Chemo again because Bob is in so much pain with the Hernia. It's worse since he saw the surgeon- she poked & prodded & kneaded so much that it must be inflamed. Patricia, I mentioned the surgeon at McMaster & she said a 2nd opinion regarding the hernia certainly would not hurt.she is going to do a referral- thanks so much. I also asked for the test for B12 deficiency & she is going to do that as well. I really can't say enough about this site- you have all been such a wonderful help- I just wish I was more knowledgeable before his surgery- maybe things would be different now.
Best regards to all
Lorrie

Thanks Mike- you make some great points. Our situation is a little different though- the relationship was not good before the BC, now it's pretty much dead. We are simply 2 people who live together. Unlike your good wife, I resent having to book appointments, pick up meds, see that he takes them, remind him of appointments, rides, nurses ets. He takes absolutely no responsibility for anything anymore. Others have mentioned 'chemo brain' - I'm not sure if that's what it is, sounds as good as anything.

I haven't had a full nights sleep in months- I can't stand being in the bed with him. All I hear is the scrunch sound of the diapers when he rolls around & that's all I smell as well,- so now I sleep on the couch. Yes, I resent that too. It's now 4AM & I've been awake for 2 hrs. already. I won't be able to nap today as he has appointments in Kitchener. I must go with him because he doesn't ask any questions or even tell the Dr.'s what is happening.He just nods his head & goes along with whatever they say.

It's a horrible thing, I'm sure, knowing that you are dying- but Bob won't talk about it. We have NEVER discussed anything about it, but then we don't discuss anything anymore. Sorry if I sound bitter- I am. Sorry for rambling, I'm just tired.
Lorrie

I can imagine the caregiver / care receiver relationship is an extremely complicated thing.

If you're the one with the cancer, your looking at some pretty bad stuff on the horizon and may not be sensitive to the needs of the caregiver. I can't imagine the care receiver always being the best one for help and support of caregivers. They may be a spouse, but...I just don't know.

My wife already asks me about pain, and I already don't tell her when I do. The thing is, a givers aren't the same and neither are all receivers. I think each situation is different and those involved have to have regular discussions about how they define their roles.

In our case, I'm still working 10-12 hour days and traveling regularly. When Liz started talking about her being a caregiver, I'm thinking "hang on a minute, all I was asking was for you to set up some appointments and make arrangements. What kind of caregiver stuff are you thinking about? Let's not be jumping the gun on the caregiver stuff". NOTE: Important to mention, she did a FANTASTIC job with setting up appointments, booking flights, and hotels!!!

Of course, the only thing I said out loud was, "Thanks, great job, couldn't have done it without you."

If things go pear-shaped in my case, then I'm making some notes about the discussions we need to have around this topic. Since Liz is a nurse, there are things that she could do (if needed) that many couldn't.

I think it's also important that a care receiver shouldn't have the added burden of having to feel guilty for when a caregiver feels down. Again, this is hard stuff to think through and even harder to put on paper.

I think there CLEARLY needs to be caregiver support groups. They should include givers, unrelated receivers, and professional counselors (if possible). Otherwise, the care receiver ends up with two roles really (both receiver and caregiver to their caregiver).

If you think cancer treatment has a long way to go, just think how much the giver/receiver relationship has to go.

My intent isn't to make anybody feel bad about their role or how they do it. It's just putting thoughts on paper and thinking out loud.

Now that I've gone on and on, I think maybe this should have been a different topic and not a reply.

More on topic to a response: I think both caregivers and care receivers each hit certain "Oh crap!" moments. Some may be at the same time and some may be unique. When those hit, there could be some unpredictable outbursts, arguments, or behaviors. If it is clearly a change (more than a couple of weeks) then it could certainly be depression or another physical problem (for either) and then a doctor consult may be the best approach.

My heart goes out to the givers and receivers here on these boards. It's a tough, tough thing. As many receivers who can reach out to other receivers and givers who can reach out to other givers should. Widening our support networks just has to be a good thing.

Mike