Is it just us??

Your situation is so normal Mel. I work as a coordinator for homecare and trust me, you and your family are very normal.
The hardest part is like you stated - to get your mother to accept that she needs help. It is also a big step to "let someone into the house".
So now we have "the fall". This is a very common reason that family members step in and decide - It's time for help! Your poor mom. She must be so stressed. If she would accept some outside help her time spent with your dad could be enjoyed much better.
You may have to sit mom down and tell her that for your dad's safety (due to the fall) and the fact that she needs to unload some of the weight from her shoulders and it's time to consider outside help. Not to scare you and I'm sure you are aware that a fall can be devastating. If he breaks a hip or bangs his head the consequences can be bad.
If you can contact the social worker at his doctor's office they can set up homecare thru a Visitng Nurse Agency. They can also guide you to other agencies that may be able to help and most likely be less expensive than hiring from a private agency. VNA agencies also provide physical therapy.
If you call around to independent home care agencies, key questions that should be asked are

1) Are employees background checked?
2) Are they insured and bonded?

We have very strict hiring guidelines that are above and beyond what our state requires. Ask for references. I do not recommend hiring someone thru a newspaper ad.
Sorry for the long post but feel free to ask me any questions. The biggest hurdle is getting your mom to agree. Good luck!

Hi guys,

Well they DID replace the tube today! My father also fell today! Thankfully, my sister was taking a day off from work and heard him. She called my mother, she came home. He was of course very embarrassed because he was trying to get to the bathroom and didn't make it

I took it upon myself to call a home health agency and asked about options. I think some physical therapy might be helpful to help him regain some muscle strength since he is in bed all the time. Of course they did not seem open to the idea. They are stubborn as bulls!!! They do not want anyone in the house, but then my mother crumbles because she takes on too much. I just don't see what the solution is. They won't accept the help! It is so frustrating!!!

Seconds from Iowa, Mel...they MUST change that tube. It doesn't take much, from my experience. I wonder why they didn't. On the up side....at least it's draining. Which is the good part of all this. Hang on to that!

About the screaming, etc........normal, normal, normal. Vent here yourself. And your sister is "triangulating" a little, I would guess. That means talking to a third person about what problems the speaker is having with a second (forming a triangle rather than a straight line of communication). Sometimes that is because they don't feel the second person is listening, because they are not taking advice. (that would be your mother, probably).

Sometimes it is just for getting someone else to listen, or for support.Home care could be a great help, and it could be very hard for your mom to accept that. You might ask about a visit or two a day. Or call the hospital yourself and tell them that you are running out of bed pads, and that they need to send someone over to help if they're not going to replace the tubes!!!

How does you Dad feel about all this? Is he still talking to you and your family? Or is he still "in his cave?"

Stephany in Iowa

Hi Mel......sorry about the stress level. I think its perfectly normal. I would check with your insurance plan to see if they allow home care. My guess is your father is feeling so weak from the chemo he's not getting up much and that makes the muscles atrophy. It's amazing how little time will do that especially if you're losing weight. After my second surgery when i was in LaLa land with all the drugs they were giving me and a substantial weight loss I could not get out of bed and walk on my own....that was a surprise to me that it could happen that quickly. They gave me a walker which i used until i built my strength back up.
Geez...and if the tube needs to be changed why didn't they do it when he was just in there?
Pat

I'm sorry things are getting tense, it is most definitely NORMAL! Is your mother able to get some home help for part of the day to give her a bit of rest? I keep suggesting this to my mother also (my Dad had a stroke 4 months ago and is completely dependent). Keep nagging those doctors, they'll have to do the right thing eventually,
Mona

Lately things have been really tense at my parents house. My sister still lives at home so she informs me of the events. My father is unable to take care of himself so my mother stops home from work during the day to feed and dress him. She also has to empty his bag from the nephrostomy tube (which is still leaking!). She then goes back to work only to come home later to more work at home. It never ends and she is at a breaking point. Last night the tube was draining everywhere! Everytime she got it dry, he was soaked again. This went on for hours. The Dr. says the tube needs to be changed. Ya think??? This is after a week of taking him to the hospital and calling. Anyway, sometimes I feel that everyone else on hear handles their stress so much better and thatmy family is the only one that breaks down and screams and cries. I am sure this isn't true but I am wondering if we are so out of the norm. Life has not been easy lately and it gets harder everyday. My father cannot stand or walk without wobbling and we are not sure how much of this is due to chemo. It has been a very scary time.


xoxo
Melissa