You are such an experienced, encouraging and compassionate voice for this “helping” subject and forum!. The heavy and daunting challenges you have been through has served to contribute to your very compassionate yet realistic assessment of this challenging life journey. The write up below may be of help to Deeasm and others as it has helped me when I was experiencing concerns in my family and after loss of a family member or friend. Rosie
>i really dont know how or if to tell my son about his grandad just yet , he has been affected badly by my partners passing and was aware of the illness , to turn around at the moment and tell him about his grandad , i dont think is a good idea , yet i dont want to lie either , i have tried never to lie to him , and in return i dont get any back so far anyway ;D my son is a very bright child for his age (10 ) ,
Have a look at a thread I began in the "Dealing with grief and Loss" section, titled "children of cancer patients." My own experience with not having been told the truth (when I was 7-8) about my father's condition and the aftermath of the shock. It's my own personal feeling that kids not only can handle the truth, they intuit it. I'm sure your son feels your fear, maybe he can even help you through this difficult time because he knows now how terrible for someone when their father is very ill.
That said, I understand totally if you want to keep some of the worries to yourself.
when I was having my cystectomy, my partner and I didn't elaborate on too many details to her 10 year old. we told him i was ill and needed an operation and that's all he needed to know. i think he instinctively knew it was pretty serious and dealt with it really well. I'm not sure how it would have been different for him in the circumstances you are in but I think children can be very resilient. as for the "whole truth", I'm not not sure even we knew what that was! and i think we also instilled in him our hope that the op was going to make things better and emphasised what we wished for over what we dreaded. it must be really difficult for you not to think the worst right now and pass that on to him. I hope you are getting lots of support from friends and relatives. I think you and your son must need to get away from it all!
thanks tim and thanks wendy for the link xx > > ?? ? ? ? > >i really dont know how or if to tell my son about his grandad just yet , he has been affected badly by my partners passing and was aware of the illness , to turn around at the moment and tell him about his grandad , i dont think is a good idea , yet i dont want to lie either , i have tried never to lie to him , and in return i dont get any back so far anyway ;D my son is a very bright child for his age (10 ) , and at the moment thinks grandads just got a bad leg , he was aware how the blood clot could have taken his grandad straight away , i just think at the moment if i tell him the whole truth it would devistate him ,and maybe he would assume the out come to be the same as my partners , any one have an opinion on this ?
been with my partner for 7 years ,i have a 10 year old son .
I'm sorry to hear about your father's problems. There's a very good resource, an email list on ACOR, which also hosts WebCafe's bladder cancer list. Go to www.acor.org and look for "Kidney-Onc." It is full of knowledgeable and helpful people.
its just awful how horrible things sometimes come in clusters like you are experiencing. as if you need the added strain and worry right now! a few years back (01) when I was getting to grips with my bladder cancer and my partner and I had just watched her dad die from pancreatic cancer, my sister (39 and with a completely different prognosis to your dad by the way) called me from hong kong to say she's been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. we lost her within a month. she'd been given a clean physical bill of health from BUPA 3 months earlier (you begin to question the worth of those things!). then, my father also succumbed to bladder cancer within 3 years of this. by then end of this period i was starting to feel pretty paranoid! and when my own BC started to become aggressive a couple of years ago, I wasn't feeling too optimistic! But somehow we have all muddled through and although we think about the people we've lost all the time things look a lot brighter now. which is what my sis and my dad would have wanted to happen for us. and for us to have a laugh even through the bad stuff. life has seemed pretty much a zig zag for me in the last decade with changes both great and not so great appearing without warning. I still joke about the turn of the millenium and the appearance of that twin tailed comet and the solar eclipse here in cornwall preceeding so much grimness for me personally! hopefully, you've got some good times coming your way really soon and things with your dad will work out fine. you surely have earned it. I don't know about kidney tumours so I hope someone here comes forward.