The dark side of the Cancer Card

I can't imagine myself trying to manipulate my family, meaning my spouse and kids or my in-laws as they are all tough as nails...and they expect everyone else to be the same...no matter how bad your condition, it is expected we are to do for ourselves as much as we can...I was given little in the way of sympathy or empathy and maybe that was good as I was forced to do as much as possible for myself. And although I have started conversations with strangers about my situation, it is usually to share information hoping I can help educate others. One day while leaving the grocery store I chose to ask for help with getting my groceries to the car...something I never do...and while walking out to the car I told the gal about my cancer, only to learn that her sister had just been diagnosed with BC and had no idea where to turn. And of course I gave her this website address, etc. Melodie

One key reason for not playing the Cancer Card with our family is that it can remove what I feel is one of the most important ingredients in a relationship--a sense of contribution. If it turns into a one-way street, we aren't contributing and whatever relationship we had becomes less than what it was and less than what it could be. That leads to frustration and resentment, and I couldn't imagine having to be in a relationship where the two prime ingredients are frustration and resentment. If I felt I wasn't making a contribution, in some way, *I* would feel frustrated. And sad. And I wouldn't feel like I was part of a greater whole. I almost can't imagine being part of that relationship, either on the giving side or the taking side.

Sometimes we *are* helpless. When I got out of the hospital I couldn't lift myself out of a chair. Or off the toilet. I couldn't irrigate my own catheter. So I contributed what I could. I was grateful for my wife's help and I let her know it. I tried to be as cheerful as I could be, even when I didn't feel like it. I smiled as often as I could, even if I was in pain. I couldn't contribute much, but what I could contribute, I did contribute.

In that same vein, I feel it's important for caregivers and family members to make sure that cancer patients are able to feel they're making a contribution. Unless the patient truly is helpless, don't treat him like he is. Get him to do something, if possible and however small, to let him feel part of the whole again.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I write much of this not necessarily for those on this forum, but to help me crystallize my own thoughts.

Zach

Tim, that was very insightful. I'm embarrassed to tell you how many people--some I didn't know very well--I've either blurted about my cancer or shown my scar to.

Zach

Zack, perfect for what I was talking about in my post, I will not be as a caregiver taken for granted because at this point you can help out. Why call Molly Maid, the patient needs to see finally that you won't be used as there service person. Here's an example, the sad face, the touching of the bag, the many mentions throughout the day of whats next on the bowel practices,then getting a phone call for which he answers and in two seconds he is Prince Charming, BIG BELL RINGING HERE Even his golfing buddy Joe gets a degree of excitement from him,,I spoke to Joe the next day, he said Gene sounds really good, I said its amazing isn't it!After five months of breaking my back to get all the right doctors and all the right answers and giving up your life as well,don't be suckered into prolonging their everyday needs, let them do it, better yet, tell them to do it.
I let him know when I was well ready of the feeling it gave me, so beware, know when to expect more!!!!! Ginger

there's also a kind of "celebrity" that exists with cancer that makes you the center of attention. it's pretty hard to resist! almost the first thing I used to mention to complete strangers was my bladder cancer and the various treatments I was undergoing. I've seen other people with serious illnesses do it too. that's a kind of manipulation. it's kind of seeking validation and attention through our cancer. I think it's pretty benign though. you're also saying sometimes "this is where I'm at. be warned; i may be a little crazy at time becuase Ive got this awful thing going on". i think you're right that having cancer carries quite a responsibility. and partly because of its image problem in the wider world. I used to toy with the idea that i'd brought the illness upon myself as a means of getting attention. this was fulled when my powerful but incredibly needy sister died of small cell cancer. i don't think that anymore.

tim

Yesterday a couple of us were joking about the Cancer Card that gets us out of doing chores and going out when we really don't feel like it.

There's a darker flip-side to the Cancer Card that isn't quite so funny. The Cancer Card can also be used to control friends and family.

We have a responsibility to be honest and fair about our condition. If we can wash the dishes--I certainly can--then when it's our turn we should. If we can do the laundry, we should do the laundry. How much should we do? The only proper answer is all we can do. How much should we help and participate? All we can. There's no other answer that's fair to ourselves or our loved ones.

But if we're ever tempted to use our situation as punishment or retribution or control in any way, that's the worst kind of manipulation. That's a line we must never cross.