hi everyone, it's with my husband's trepidation that i join this group, but after reading this thread i couldn't help myself. and looking over my shoulder, zach just advised that i should not cause a situation where he needs to come in and put out the flaming wreckage ;D. my dear husband is quite a word-smith. i tend to speak more plainly, so here i go with my first post.
i have to admit that my husband has one of the best attitudes going (not that many of you don't!) and he keeps his head about him, so i've been pretty lucky as the care-giver of a cancer patient. but as a spouse, a woman, a friend, a maid, dishwasher, gardener, bread-winner etc. i am dismayed at some of the attitude i see here. if ever there was a time that you should not be thinking of yourself, it's when your spouse or loved-one is diagnosed with, and/or going through cancer treatment. it's time to be the bigger person.
your loved-one is facing at minimum, pain, fear, uncertainty and the possibility that they may die. don't add to their grief with worries of your house being clean, or how it will affect your tennis game or sex life - for cryin' out loud, you should be praying that there WILL be life. you have absolutely nothing to gain, and frankly will only be adding pain and misery to the life of someone you pledged to love and honor, by verbalizing your self-centered concern. suck it up.
no - you don't need to be "honest" with them. what would it help if i said "this mucus infused urine that i have to drain out of your cath-bag makes me want to vomit?" the attitude that tells your patient that they are inconveniencing you, a most likely healthy person, does not contribute to his recovery, and i'd dare say without any scientific research to site, it probably does harm. someone who just lost a part of his/her body to a radical surgery would probably voluntarily give up a digit to have whatever you are complaining about.
cry into your pillow where they can't hear you, do 100 sit-ups, take a hot bath while your patient is sleeping, have a glass of wine if that helps, but do not burden someone with cancer with your petty complaints. have you considered that by being "nice" you might even improve your relationship?
i have a million practical suggestions for getting through this time, but the number ONE thing is to put your needs up on the shelf for a while. and don't read more into this than exactly what i'm saying. i'm not talking about never sleeping, bathing, eating, doing laundry etc. do what you have to do, but be there for the person who is recovering from treatment.
if your tennis game or social life is more important than your spouse's recovery, then you have bigger problems than cancer.
