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Personality changes after treatment?
My husband, high grade T1, finished first round of BCG recently, scope was all good, will start another 3 week round in May. He tolerated treatment very well. Lately, he has become surly and just not himself. At first I thought it was the shock of the diagnosis, the surgery and treatments but now I don’t know. I thought he would be happy treatment is going well and is working but he has outbursts about feeling “cheated” in his life and how his family is not treating him well and he’s just being negative all the time. I honestly am flabbergasted, it is not like him. Could this be a side effect?
We have not told our children (yet) and I’ve tried to maintain life as usual, maybe I should tell them so they can be aware and maybe not bicker over the TV remote?! My hope was for him to go through treatment, they would never need to know and we could move on with our lives but maybe I should explain their dad is going through a stressful time and that is why he is acting this way?
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8 Replies
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I think you and your husband should sit down the kids and tell them the truth
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Interestingly Ive been feeling that way a tad bit as well. I have been diagnosed, but await a second biopsy to decide treatment. I am mostly alone in my thoughts. No one really asks me how Im doing. I have an older cousin who is a cancer survivor who checks in on me. My older brother hasnt even called me in over a week. Nor my son or my son’s mom.
Even my mother who lives with me doesn’t even ask how I’m doing.
Everything I do is frustrating.
If I drop something on accident, its the worlds fault, If I cant type perfectly on my little phone keyboard, im pissed off. I try to remain positive, but theres always that knawing thought of “why me”. I wish I had a therapist.
Ironically, over a year and a half ago thats why I went to the doctor. No one seems to want to genuinely help. I just get given phone number to call. Not sure what to say about your husband, but he may be holding a lot in.
I feel thats what my problem is. Keep asking questions here. The more points of view will guide you to your next step in helping him.
Fight Fight Fight
#Kickcancersbutt -
As has been pointed out, we are all individuals and what works for one will not work for another. I have a friend who won’t tell her kids anything (they are adults) about her health issues. And then she found out that one of them had not told HER about THEIR problem. She was really pissed. Now neither one trusts the other to tell the truth.
In my family we always shared, in an age-appropriate way. It can be a shock at first, but then everything calms down and life goes on. We support each other. To feel that we have been “left out” means that we are never sure if things are really all right or not.
Sara Anne
Diagnosis 2-08 Small papillary TCC; CIS
BCG; BCG maintenance
Vice-President, American Bladder Cancer Society
Forum Moderator -
Frannie72
Please understand that none of here are doctors; on this site you can bounce ideas off others, and hear how others dealt with issues. You may receive a range of opinion, and only you (perhaps with qualified local help) have to find your own way.
My children were older than yours at time of my cancer diagnosis.Once I had an idea of the path ahead (with much help from this site) I wrote a letter to my children, including the one (also an adult) still living at home, concisely stated, I said, ” I have cancer, I am receiving treatment, and there is no urgency to my situation. I will let you know if that changes.”
Of course the kids were concerned, and suddenly there were many more visits to “the folks” than normal. Once the kids were over the shock, life settled down. Being truthful, but not providing extreme detail, worked for me.
The grands know that grandpa is sick sometimes. When my immune system is down, the grands just need to be told once (or 3 times) why gramps is wearing that funny germ mask, and that he will not be giving or taking any hugging and cuddling on this visit. They will, sooner or later, associate the word cancer – perhaps it will be a bit less scary to to them.
Almost four years ago, on this site, I was told “Cancer is a team sport” – it involves and affects the patient and those around him/her. I have found that to be true.
We each have to work our own way through this disease.
Best,
Jack
6/2015 HG Papillary & CIS
3 Years and 30 BCG/BCG+Inf
Tis CIS comes back.
BC clear as of 5/17 !
RCC found in my one & only kidney 10/17
Begin Chemo; Cisplatin and Gemzar
8/18 begin Chemo# 3
Begin year 4 with cis
2/19 Chemo #4
9/19 NED again :)
1/2020 CIS is back
Tried Keytruda, stopped by side effects
Workin on a new plan for 2021 -
We probably do need some professional counseling, I don’t feel it’s something I can handle myself.
I am really on the fence about telling the kids. We have 5, from ages 20 to 6, my husband is an older father, they already are anxious about that, if they knew what he was dealing with, I honestly don’t know how they would take it.
My oldest daughter has depression and anxiety and sees a therapist regularly. I spoke to him in confidence and he feels honesty is the best way to go.
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Frannie72,
I was recently diagnosed ( January) and can honestly say that after the initial shock, my emotions were all over the place. One minute I was accepting, thinking to myself ” why should I be the lucky one and never have to experience cancer? I’m not special.” THe next minute I was in the fetal position crying like a baby. I say ” minute” because my emotions would change that fast! I am still raising kids ages 17 down to 8 years old and that was a challenge also. If the 17 year old can handle me telling him, would he then tell a younger one? I guess it just depends on your kids. Only you will know, as you know their personalities and what they can handle emotionally. I chose not to tell any of them, not even my oldest. If at some point I feel they have to know, if I need more Turbs etc, they will start asking questions then, I may have tell the oldest then. He is old enough to realize things aren’t right with mom, what are all these surgeries for??? I dont think i can ever tell my youngest unless things go really sideways for me. I will just say im sick. I cannot scare her with the “C” word. I am taking it 3 months at a time. I just wanted to post though as to the emotions your husband is probably going through. It is by far the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with, especially being a parent of kids that still need us. Good luck with everything!!! -
I agree with Jack. However I would suggest that somehow (not easy, I know) you get your husband a complete evaluation by his primary care doctor. Sometimes when we have something like bladder cancer we ascribe everything that happens to this malady; it is possible that something else might be going on. Sudden behavior changes can be warning signs, just as urinary blood or chest pains. While it is likely that this is a reaction to the stress of being diagnosed with bladder cancer, it is also possible that there are other things happening.
When I was diagnosed I became very angry when both my urologist and my primary care doc suggested I need treatment for “depression.” After all, I thought, didn’t I have the RIGHT to be depressed? We all package our emotions differently
Sara Anne
Diagnosis 2-08 Small papillary TCC; CIS
BCG; BCG maintenance
Vice-President, American Bladder Cancer Society
Forum Moderator -
Frannie72
May I suggest that you and your husband get a referral to someone who can help resolve what may be one of the many recognized issues of dealing with cancer. We can all put on a brave face only so long before the stress builds (firsthand knowledge here) and needs to be relieved.
Bringing up the subject of needing and accepting help can be a stressful situation in its own. I suspect that the treating urologist/oncologist will have already noticed an issue and have a ready referral.
Some stressors that were discussed with me, in my situation, included:
“Cancer Survivor Guilt” as a recognized issue for some who are successful if their treatment.
The question of what to tell the kids, relatives and friends about the cancer diagnosis. Do you share the diagnosis, give daily updates, or say nothing at all to anyone ?
The disruption to a planned life – to the patient and those around her/him can be extremely stressful. There is a possible lack of control of both the current and future.
It was not surprising to me that so many of my cancer treaters constantly ask, “How are you doing?”, “How are your wife and children doing?”
Reliable websites with some information .
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-mental-and-emotional-challenges-of-surviving-cancer-201103282146
https://www.mskcc.org/blog/guilt-lasting-side-effect-cancer-survivorsIt helped me to get it all out in the open.
Best,
Jack
6/2015 HG Papillary & CIS
3 Years and 30 BCG/BCG+Inf
Tis CIS comes back.
BC clear as of 5/17 !
RCC found in my one & only kidney 10/17
Begin Chemo; Cisplatin and Gemzar
8/18 begin Chemo# 3
Begin year 4 with cis
2/19 Chemo #4
9/19 NED again :)
1/2020 CIS is back
Tried Keytruda, stopped by side effects
Workin on a new plan for 2021
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