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Advice for husband
I am asking for advice here. My husband was diagnosed in June with CIS, high grade. It has been 2 weeks since he completed his 6th BCG. He is depressed, angry and will not talk to anyone. We live in a rural area with no support groups or therapist. He is not returning to work since we realized that the industry where he worked is most probably a contributing factor to his illness. I understand that exercise, healthly eating and a positive attitude are essential but other than providing a healthy diet I cannot do the others for him. Any advice?
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14 Replies
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After having cancer myself and now going through the process with my husband, my advice is to get him outside for some fresh air. Like the others said, start walking. Being diagnosed with cancer certainly makes you angry and there are no clear cut answers to the “why me?” question, so being bitter and depressed is understandable. People recover at different paces, so he may need some more time. I never needed antidepressants and it took me a year to get my head wrapped around my condition. Hang in there yourself while keeping an eye open for your husbands mental state. ;D
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[quote author=Stephany link=topic=1356.msg10540#msg10540 date=1195399230]And maybe asking him to accompany you on a walk is the way to start. You can tell him that you need to walk out some kinks, and need his company. Some men seem to talk better while facing forward, so a walk or a car ride is an easier way to approach the issue.
[/quote]That is so very true.
I think just a change of scenery can help. I don’t believe for a minute that feng shui works because of any mystical reason or because there are luckier places to put a door or window than others, but I do think that it works. Why? Because just moving things around helps. Sitting in a different chair. Reading a new book. Walking a different route. Just doing something… anything… helps with depression.
Of course even though I think changing your routine and scenery can work wonders, many times professional help is needed as well. But starting with just a walk, as Stephany suggests, is a great beginning.
“Standing on my Head”––my chemo journal
T3a Grade 4 N+M0
RC at USC/Norris June 23, 2006 by Dr. John Stein -
I must chime in here, as the wife of one of those men who “retreat to the cave” mentally with any problems. All of the advice you’re getting here is valid. And once he has a doc on call for his “moods”, the doc can adjust and tweak the meds.
Let him know that the diagnosis itself is maybe causing him problems with thinking, and he could see a doc to help him make a difference.
And maybe asking him to accompany you on a walk is the way to start. You can tell him that you need to walk out some kinks, and need his company. Some men seem to talk better while facing forward, so a walk or a car ride is an easier way to approach the issue.
Good luck. Let us know how things are going.
Stephany in Iowa
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MPL51,
Zack has a good point, what is he like otherwise, I know when taken out of what your use to doing it can be devastating. Kind of like when you retire, it all looked great but with all the free time its upsetting if you just ponder away. But with an issue that has forced it upon you the anger may be from the resentment he can’t continue with his work. And being faced with b/c. What did he normally do for fun, friends, etc. Maybe he could go visit family, how is he doing now, an antidepressant may help, if he will agree to a meeting with a councelor. Ginger
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[quote author=mlp51 link=topic=1356.msg9795#msg9795 date=1194032787]
He is depressed, angry and will not talk to anyone. We live in a rural area with no support groups or therapist.
[/quote]I’ve been hesitating about responding to your question because I wanted to phrase my question just right. Unfortunately I can’t. So I’ll just blurt it out:
What was your husband like before the diagnosis? Did he tend towards depression and anger and silence when confronted with problems?
Cancer is a huge shock to the system that magnifies almost everything, but after the initial shock is over I find that most people–in time–return to their pre-diagnosis personality.
It may be difficult to deal with your husband’s response to the situation, but in my opinion being angry is a habit and a choice. And it’s his habit and his choice. I’m not saying he chooses being angry because he likes being angry, but only he can make the decision not to speak and act angrily.
I hope that if he chooses not to get help for this that at least you will.
My best,
Zach
“Standing on my Head”––my chemo journal
T3a Grade 4 N+M0
RC at USC/Norris June 23, 2006 by Dr. John Stein -
Rosemary has a good point, and Warren as well. When men are faced with this its a blow to there psyche,,I am sure thats not how to spell it,, but to sit around its all you think about, we did it all summer, it was drudgery, so when your off work plan stuff, thats what I did, I got on the lets to this bandwagon,,,anything I could think off..ask your hospital where he is being treated for there dept. that helps with coping, they should have a well staffed counceling service. Getting to someone who won’t open up is difficult. But give it a try. Ginger
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Pat,
How’s it going?
I think that Warren is right. Your husband has too much time to brood, and after all, he is a MAN and lots of men identify with their jobs. So, not only is your husband faced with POTENTIAL loss (the bladder) but also he is LIVING a loss in REALITY (His job). And all because of …..CANCER >:(
Okay, I’ve never heard of someone quitting their jobs because of the risks of bladder cancer. If it’s not TOO personal, can I ask what he did for a living?
Here’s wishing him the best,
Rosemary
Rosemary
Age – 55
T1 G3 – Tumor free 2 yrs 3 months
Dx January 2006 -
I would report his stomach pain to his doctor. Its possible he’s in a small percentage that react to BCG. Pat
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Hi again,
Some men won’t get on the forum, there a curious bunch,,,my husband had his bladder out Sept. 14th,,had some depression after surgery,,he is now getting on the forum to talk to some men facing surgery..cell phone talk. It seems your not having any friends around and being rural is a problem, he drives? yes. I think counseling if he will go and a excercise plan would work, if he will do it, ,,I will give you my husbands cell number as well if he would like to talk to him, but we are in Invasive bladder cancer with removal so I wouldn’t want to scare him either. we went from normal to not, all in a big scoop,,,but glad to help all the same.
Just ask and we will give you our cell number on a pm. Any kind of work would be great,,part time or otherwise,, something he likes to do….get him out of the house. Ginger -
[quote author=mlp51 link=topic=1356.msg9795#msg9795 date=1194032787]
I am asking for advice here. My husband was diagnosed in June with CIS, high grade. It has been 2 weeks since he completed his 6th BCG. He is depressed, angry and will not talk to anyone. We live in a rural area with no support groups or therapist. He is not returning to work since we realized that the industry where he worked is most probably a contributing factor to his illness. Any advice?
[/quote]For what it’s worth, I understand not going back to the industry that may have given him bladder cancer, but retiring at 56, unless you have big plans for retirement, is probably as depressing as the CIS and it’s treatment. I’ve missed a few days of work over the years, but very few. I’ve been to work catheterized. Whether your husband finds a new job or does some volunteer work, he needs a purpose to his life that goes beyond treating his cancer.
-Warren
TaG3 + CIS 12/2000. TURB + Mitomycin C (No BCG)
Urethral stricture, urethroplasty 10/2009
CIS 11/2010 treated with BCG. CIS 5/2012 treated with BCG/interferon
T1G3 1/2013. Radical Cystectomy 3/5/2013, No invasive cancer. CIS in right ureter.
Incontinent. AUS implant 2/2014. AUS explant 5/2014
Pediatrician -
Will he come to this forum and talk and express his feelings, maybe on the mens forum?
How about a private counseler if he won’t come here?
How about will he talk to some of the men here on the phone?
My goodness he has to get it out some way.
If my husband can help please send me a pm and I will get them together.
take care
just me pat -
Thanks Ginger. He is 56 years old & being treated at Vanderbilt in Nashville. His next peek & poke is Jan 9th. Hopefully he is not going to lose his bladder at this point at least. No family around and of course his friends are all still working. I continue with my full time position which leaves him with a lot of free time. The problem is the lack of support groups or even mental health facilities in rural towns. At present he is having lots of problems with stomach pain, I believe from internalizing. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
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Well, its a shock when first diagnosed, thats was June, you need to find any resources you can to get him back. How old is he, where is he being treated, and what is the next plan for treatment.? He is not going to loose his bladder correct?
Do you have family around. All of this info will help us help you…Talk to you soon..Ginger Beane -
mlp
hope you’ve don’t mind. ive given your topic it’s own strand so it stands out. hope you get the advice you need
all the best
tim
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