Bob's Wife- I'm not handling this well

If you'd like to do a little reading on what you're going through, try to find a book about the stages of mourning. Mourning doesn't happen only on the death of a loved one. It happens with the death of a dream and the death of a lifestyle. One of the early stages of mourning is anger. When you're angry at what happened your anger attaches to persons and events around you. Sure the diapers, and the smell, and your husbands uncommunicativeness (is there such a word?), are easy to pin the anger on, but if you understood that they are not the soul source of your anger, you could stop holding yourself accountable for having these feelings that any sane person would have. You want the life you had, as imperfect as it was, and that will never happen again. Life can be good again, but it can never be the same.
You do need to be able to talk about your feelings. All feelings are legitimate. People cannot be held accountable for feelings, only actions. A support group like this is great, but if you need something more hands on, you might look for a cancer support group in your neighborhood or even consider counseling for yourself, even if your husband is not healthy enough to join you.
And do make sure you get some respite. Time away from the house, time for yourself - it's crucial for your well being, and it's not at all selfish. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to manage very long caring for your husband. Taking care of yourself is as much for him as it is for you.

I really think you are having some natural or rather "just human" reactions.

Bob and I have always had a good marriage (27 years, a second marriage for each of us), through the good and bad but I have caught myself at times with "cabin fever", just wanting to get out and ride.
We have traveled quite a bit during our 27 years, places we never thought we would get to go but for the past 8-9 years, have spent most of our summer time in the NC mountains. I just knew we could go up there and stay just as well as we could at home but Bob did not feel comfortable there and so we stayed at home most of the time since his diagnosis in January 2007. Bob has had an issue with pain all along but it has been under control for awhile and he is gradually cutting back on the medicine since his last radiation.
Finally, last weekend we did go to the mountains and when we came back to our home here, I just thought about the saying, that no matter how far you may roam, the best part is coming home. Bob has all ready planned an outing to western NC this week for us, he is wanting to see if it will bother him to ride that far. He is working himself up to take a trip to visit our son on the NC coast.

I almost feel guilty sometimes now that we are having such a good time together but we both know that he has a PET scan the end of Nov. and will hear the results in Dec. Chemo might be in our near future again or as he says, he will get knocked back down. Right now, it is almost like we are trying to cram everything in that we want to do while he feels good.

Bob was not able to have surgery since his cancer had gone so far so I have not had to deal with the side effects of that but I do wish it had been caught earlier and we could have dealt with it. I do not dwell on what the future brings, just praying, counting on our faith, love, family and friends.

It is hard to put up a front sometimes but I have always realized that the trials in our lives have made us stronger people.

You are certainly in my prayers. Please just try to have faith and let others help you when you can.

This board has really helped me through all of this....

Your friend,
Clara

Andrea,

I know that it is hard to think of our parents as just regular people. But they are, and they have as many issues in their relationship as you have had in yours (present or past). Right now she is a wife going through a hard time dealing with her husband. Try to look at it from a girlfriends point of view, instead of from a daughters. It will really put it in prespective. Only compounded by years and more experiences. You are a great daughter to be so supportive. Keep up the good work!! You are just such a role model to your children during this too. They will learn from example that there may come a time when they will have to help you out. It is a great opportunity to teach love, compassion, and empathy.

Cheers!
Karen

Lorrie,

You are allowed to complain!!! Maybe to a friend or relative instead of Bob. It never comes out right when you are complaining to a spouse! It just starts a fight. Do it here if you don't want to bother anyone else, you are anonymous...Please don't hold it in...that is not good for anyone...least of all you...

Karen

Thank you all for being supportive for my mom! I know this has been a difficult time and it is the cap to a number of bad years.

Mom, just so you know, while at first I did not understand what you were going through, I do now, and will support you. I'm glad you posted...these people have been through this and can help more than I can!! andrea

Karen thank you so much- I will try all your anti-odour ideas. Yes, the diapers are supposed to be temporary so we will keep our fingers crossed about that. You are right, if the shoe was on the other foot he would do for me, and much better than I am doing for him. I will hang-in- I will try not to complain. Regards, Lorrie