vi,mad ,sad glad,and bad,i think i,v been all of them sometimes in a week,sometimes in the space of a moment,and still can be today,depending on where i am in treatment and what that means for me,but thats ok,i think its a pretty normal reaction to a very abnormal situation we find ourselves in,the important thing is to have somewhere we can talk about this stuff with others who understand,no matter what we are feeling,
When I came to after the cysto and my dr. told me I had bladder cancer I laughed. ( I think it was the drugs) I figured why not stuff happens. I was more concerned about how he told my hubby. I havn't told people that I had it, except my brother because he had had it also. He had it come back four times but other than them taking it out he had no treatment. (he had no insurance.) For nine years it didn't come back but he passed away from lung cancer last Jan.
Today is the anniversery of the day I almost died from an undiagnosed bleeding ulcer , in fact at this time 7:08 I was in an er bleeding to death, I had to recieve blood and spent a week in intensive care and another week in the hospital. Then I was really mad because the hospital had just the day before discharged me telling me there was nothing wrong with me and sent me home. A ambulance brought me back.
I gave up the anger and decided that I would be in control of my medical life not the Drs. I volunteered in a pediatric hospital and saw so many bad things happen to the kids ,but the wonder was they always wanted to play games even when they were so sick.
You feel anyway you want anytime you want there is no right or wrong way in dealing with this but I will tell you this noone or nothing can give you or take away the days that God has already given you. My thirty seven year old nephew fell down the steps carring a load of laundry,he hit his head and died,only God knew how many days he had.
My husband almost died from blood clots and lymphoma but yesterday we went deer hunting together and walked out of the woods in the dark under a beautiful full moon, grab what life has for you and if you can't run right now then walk and know that people are praying for you. Rocky
I was two petrified at first to feel anger. Then I was to busy proving to everyone I could get back to normal as fast as possible. After being told I had to go through chemo, I was scared again and busy putting on a brave front.
It was not until a few months ago that I let myself think about what had happened. Then I became angry. I was angry at the doctor that would not listen, angry at myself for not researching more, angry that this is a cancer that no one hears about. I think I am finally coming to terms with my anger. Now I am just determined to get the word out there.
Knowledge is power. I will spread the knowledge and reality of this cancer wherever I can. In the hopes that my voice and the voices of others helps others out there.
Thanks Mike. I have to work hard to make my brain keep up with you. I find myself saying "That's how I feel" after reading your posts.
I have to say that a LOT of GOOD can come from controlled anger. I have used it as a motivator (even for myself) and a way of REALLY blowing off steam. I had a very mild manner employee who had a heart attack last year. I told him he kept all that angst inside and it caused him to get "Verklempt"
I tend to have a volatile demeaner....60% happy and jovial, 38% serious and attentive, and 2% Venting.
I genuinly like people, REAL people, I do NOT like being a doormat (used to pick up someone elses mess, cuz I'm a nice guy) and sometimes a little emotion makes them realize I am a human being.
Not that it means much, but I felt my Oncologist was just shuttling me through our first appointment, when I said, "I have a lot of living to do and I am counting on you to see that I get to do it!" I think I got his attention and respect that day and "maybe" he took a little extra effort on me.
Oh well, I can dream he did!
Light a man a fire and he is warm for an evening.
Light a man ON fire and he's warm forever.
08/08/08...RC neo bladder
New Man! [/size]