I have read these posts with tears in my eyes knowing how painful this is from personal experience. The final days I had with my father are incredibly sad memories but also cherished ones. It was truly an honor to be holding his hand and knowing that the last words he could have heard were spoken with love. We were very lucky with Dad at the end we knew he was not in pain and we were able to gather the people that he loved and that loved him back to share the time we had left with him. That is what hospice gave us and it was a great gift.
It is a natural thing when you see someone you care about hurting and knowing that they will not get any better to feel relief when their trial is over; do not feel guilt.
Losing a cherished parent is one of the hardest things I have ever faced. It has been five years for me and I do fine and can tell stories and laugh at what we call ‘Dad stories’ but then sometimes out of the blue I miss him so badly it hurts. The only solace I can give is that with time it gets better, not less deeply felt but more sweet than bitter.
I know that no words cannot help right now but know that you and yours are in my heart.
T2 g3 CIS 8/04
Chemotherapy & Radiation 10/04-12/04
RC w/umbilical Indiana pouch 5/06
Left Nephrectomy 1/09
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I am so sorry you and your family are going through this at this time. I felt the same way when my mother was dying of cancer - I didn't want her to suffer anymore. It is hard to "let go" but a piece of you father will be with you always.
So sorry to hear about your mum - she sounds like a great person. My dad went into hospice on the 17th of August with prostate cancer which had spread to his bones, mainly the spine. He is 88 and up until fairly recently has still been mobile. He has been on slow release morphine medication for the last sixth months with a liquid morphine ( Oromorph) which he could take if the pain broke through.Like your mum he also was reluctant to take morphine to begin with, I think he thought he would become "drugged" and addicted and that it would cloud his thinking. Please believe me , until his recent admittance to hospice, his thought processes have been absolutely clear, and until his last few days at home when the pain was no longer controlable, he has run his affairs from the sofa, made clear to us his final wishes as to his care, his funeral, care of my mum when he dies, with no signs of confusion or fogginess from the morphine.
Because the bone cancer in his spine was causing nerve compression, he has been treated with pregebalin, which was also very effective.
On the 26th August he started to deteriorate, sleeping much more and his appetite much reduced,and unable to stand , be moved to a chair, or use the toilet, and on Saturday they moved him into a room on his own.He is now classed as being in his final stages. Me, my brother and sister , and of course Mum, who has Alzheimers, are spending as much time as we can by his side. Over the last couple of days he has become unable to swallow, so his medication is given via a syringe driver , but until today with assistance we have been able to give him a drink. The doctors have said he has days only left. We still talk to him, even though he doesn`t respond I am sure he can hear us - at time he jerks and clutches at the bedclothes, but I believe that is he wants to do something maybe speak to us, but the messages from his brain are short circuiting.
I hope his time now is short, and I feel terrible to say that, but I just want him to be at peace, and without pain.
I hope this post is of help to you, and maybe it will help you to persuade your mother to accept the pain relief drugs that are available. I think one of the things that has helped my dad in the last few weeks is being assured that my mum will be ok when he is gone. If there is anything that your mum is
worrying about when she has to leave you, it is important that you reassure her so she can go in peace.
My thoughts are with you, please pm me if you want to speak more,
George, that is one thing that my husband and I keep saying - that we need to learn from my mother's behavior at the end; always cheerful; always asking about the other person and never wanting to talk about her own illness. Just pure grace and joy!
You are so kind; thank you for the prayers and mine are with you, as well.
I will be praying for you and your husband. You are so right; what bothers me is the not knowing what comes next as I want to make sure I'm there if she has more pain or anything at all! My father passed away earlier this year but it was unexpected which is different - you don't know that it's coming and don't feel like the inevitable is right around the corner.
My mother died on the operating room table one time and had the most beautiful experience so she is always telling us that she hates to leave us but she knows how very wonderful it will be when she goes and she'll see us all again one day.
You're so right that the people, including YOU, on this site are a true blessing. I can't thank you enough; I'm so glad you have all of your beautiful children to love you through this time.