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leaving my mom

10 years 11 months ago #27235 by Melodie

You are going back to school....good for you!!! I know you do so with a heavy heart, but as a mother, I'm sure that is the what your mom would want you to do. As the others have said, that is what any loving parent would want for children they love.

I just recently said goodbye to a friend who died from ovarian cancer at age 65. We talked on the phone and she sounded like herself...a week later her son called to tell me I should come over and say goodbye as she appeared to be going at anytime. When I got there, she had enough morphine in her, that I'm not sure she knew who I was anymore...when my mom passed from cancer 20 years ago....it was the same thing...when it got close to the end, all I could do was sit and hold her hand and pray and sing hymns...but in both cases, I couldn't remain by their bedside because of other obligations I had, and it was yet two weeks later that they passed. I was not there for either when they finally left us but I'm sure both fine ladies understood.

It will continue to be painful, no matter what happens next. I will pray that she doesn't have to suffer much longer, that the pain can be kept under control and that all of you will soon know the peace that only our loving Creator can give. Hugs,

Melodie, Indy Pouch, U.W.Medical Center, Seattle, Dr. Paul H. Lange & Jonathan L. Wright

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10 years 11 months ago #27232 by jqharmon
Thank you all so much for your posts. Yesterday was a dark day because she started staying in bed much more over the last week than usual, and I thought she'd recover but I realized yesterday that is her new 'norm'. It's just so hard to have to realize over and over again that she's never going to recover any of these lost functions and that it's only going to get worse and worse, if it's even imaginable that she could be any worse than she is.
It's just so hard to watch.
It's hard to realize that all the stuff you were waiting to do with her 'when she gets a bit better' will never happen.
I do take comfort in all of your advice and support and thank you for that. I'm going to go back to school this weekend. It's going to be horrible but I know i have to try.
God Bless,

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10 years 11 months ago #27231 by SexySexyBB
Savita I know what you are going through. My mom had Alzheimers rather than cancer but I imagine the emotions are similar. I, too, asked that she be allowed to die and go to a better place where she wouldn't have to endure pain and the embarrassment of strangers poking and prodding. I was extremely sad when she died but also relieved for both our sakes.
When your mother talks of death, has anyone given her permission to die assuring her that though she'll be missed, those who stay behind will be O.K.?
May whatever higher power you believe in give your mother and your family peace.

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10 years 11 months ago #27230 by Mel09
Savita, I also have a parent with BLC and I can understand your struggle. I can only imagine what this decision must be like for you and I would have a hard time with it as well. Ultimately, I agree with the other posts. Going back to school is what you need to do. This terrible disease rips away everything we thought we had....you can't let it ruin anything else. Your mom would want you to go back to school. I am sure she knows you love her and you have done more than most could handle. You can still be supportive of your father from a distance.

I wish you and your family the best and if you ever need to talk, please let me know. I would be more than happy to.


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10 years 11 months ago #27225 by Julie
Savita, I know you and your family are all in emotional pain as well as the physical pain your Mother is in. It is hard to confront the fact that miracles are not going to show up. I wish we had better answers to your questions. What you and your father are feeling are normal for this situation. We all felt like "how do I know what the right thing to do is?" There are several caregivers on the this forum and some of us have gone through the journey of seeing our loved one die. The best you can do is hug your Mother, sit and hold her hand, read to her, play music she likes. Listen when she wants to talk.
Use the hospice staff and volunteers as they have a lot of experience and will provide support.

We are here for you when ever you need somewhere to express your pain. I echo what Cynthia said. Go to medical school and give it your all. We are thinking of you. Julie

Volunteer Coordinator

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10 years 11 months ago - 10 years 11 months ago #27224 by Cynthia

As I read your post it was hard to swallow past the lump in my throat and see through my tears for you and your family. And I have sat here for some time with words failing me.

I hope some of the others will chime in as I am sure they will especially the caregivers that have been in your spot. I can only tell you what I have learned myself over my life and dealing with the people of this forum.

Everyone handles this time differently it has been called antisiapitory grief. And you are right it is past time that a joke can make the emotions easier to handle. This is as real as it gets if your Mom wants to talk about her feelings in a real way let her. Make sure you tell her everything you want to so there are no regrets. Your fathers grief and fear you can not shoulder any more than he can yours. We can only be there for one another and offer our love.

If you were my daughter I would tell you to go back to medical school and give it all that is in you. To take all that you are learning through this journey with her and to use your talents to be a living memorial to the woman who raised you to be the wonderful person you are.

Please never feel guilty for being torn in your desire to keep your Mother and not wanting to let her suffer. That is only natural and comes from your love for her.

Has your father talked to hospice about his fears?

Know we are here for you if you wish to vent or just talk; and not only for today.

You are in my heart.

Cynthia Kinsella
T2 g3 CIS 8/04
Clinical Trial
Chemotherapy & Radiation 10/04-12/04
Chemotherapy 3/05-5/05
BCG 9/05-1-06
RC w/umbilical Indiana pouch 5/06
Left Nephrectomy 1/09
President American Bladder Cancer Society

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