Fighting depression after an r/c

Ginger, my Dad also lost a lot of muscle tone. He looks so frail and skinny to me and now wears suspenders to hold up his trousers. I'm not used to feeling bones when I hug him! He is eating but hasn't been able to exercise because of his leg pain. He did go visit a friend in a retirement home on Saturday and even drove himself and took another friend along! He fertilized the yard and has gone back to attending church on Sunday. Pretty good for an 81-year old! It has been about 5 months since he left the hospital after the complications, and says he is feeling pretty good. However, I think he always tells me that because he knows how much I worry. I try to steer the conversation away from cancer, the operation, and living with an ileal conduit, but sometimes it comes up. Lots of times, Dad brings it up because he has a question and thinks I might be able to find him an answer.

As the general surgeon, who was there in case he was needed, said to Dad: "What you need is a tincture of time." I didn't like this doctor but still remember his saying. I'm just thankful to have my Dad alive and getting a little stronger each day.

Melodie, I also believe that the fact of our living it for so many months takes a big big toll. The only other person I heard speak of the lack of muscle tone after surgery was Claire. She started working out again to gain it back. I wonder if everyone experienced that. Muscle tone, gone. We are trapped in this conversation daily, about one thing or another concerning the daily experiences from b/c. We just ask for one or two days of normalcy, in a row if its not too much. I will take it however it comes.
Thanks for supporting our pity party, yeah ,we deserve it for sure. Ginger

Ginger,

I say you both deserve a good cry....who doesn't after what we warriors go through and family members as well. I am going into week 12 now and stil find myself depressed...I think we have to go thru a mourning process...for the bladder and for the "carefree" life we may have had...compared to the complications of today. I really like Karen comparison to being out on the ocean...some days I feel so adrift and other days, I almost feel like the person I was before surgery. But truely, I just never know how I will feel until I wake up that day and sometimes it is tears right away and I can't explain why. Then I drive into Walmart because so many shop there, I can usually find someone who looks worse off than me, and then I feel
glad that I've only lost a bladder and least ways could get a replacement part.
Melodie

hi ginger and gene - guess what - you would not be normal if you weren't depressed. only an idiot wouldn't be depressed. this whole thing sucks. but you had a good pathology report. keep your eyes on the prize - plan a vacation for next spring or summer - that's what i plan on doing. my husband doesn't want to go too far from home for a good long while after his surgery, and i don't blame him. his surgery is in 23 days - he dreads it; i can't wait for that cancerous bladder to be OUT. i'm counting the days. try to stay positive - imagine if the cancer had spread all over and they opened him and closed him. then you would REALLY haVe something to be depressed about.

eileen

My friends, all of your reply's really help. Gene doesn't post but he does read everything. Karen's description of your sails being belted by a storm, certainly pertains. We were always a couple still with adventure in our lives. I know we will prevail but everyone's personal story is so comforting. The reason is we've all lost something in this, our old selves. One day that old self may appear at times, maybe not everyday but more often than not. Our long time friends invited us to join them in Feb. for a trip to Punta Cana.. THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, we declined as we prefer to remain state side after this surgery. We were in Santo Domingo in 1996 and I was glad to get out with my life, and no infections. They couldn't understand the dynamics of this surgery, but still we would have hopped on the invitation normally. But for now we aren't our normal selves, vulnerable maybe. I don't think Gene is ready to display his skinny self with his new bag on the beach yet. Funny they didn't think about that. All in do time. In place of that I intend to book us our timeshare in Scottsdale Arizona, February, with family. Low key, nap when you want, shirt at the pool, but yes, the pool. Gene is part indian , he tans in one day. I hate him. I have to lay there 8 days, 8 hours a day. I'm not complaining!
So thanks for now,
everyone is so helpful.
Ginger

Ginger,

I really feel for you today. Your post made me cry. I keep remembering "How it was", I guess some of that is gone forever, that care free attitude just got slapped away. When we found out about the cancer, the wind was taken out of our sails. There we were, stuck in the middle of the ocean. Now with the uncertainty of time ( and in your case the outcome of surgery), we have resorted to paddles, and it is really exhausting! To be in the huge ocean with just a row boat. The waves keep crashing into the boat, the big storm has arrived, we sometimes feel like our "Boat" is going to capsize. Then the storm settles, the skies clear a bit, but we are forever aware that another storm can kick up at anytime. The care free days are gone now, maybe forever, who knows...but for me I am going to go up on deck and enjoy the sunshine alttle today, But I will always keep one eye open checking for the storm...I guess that is how cancer changes you...maybe in a good way....we have no choice but to slow our lives down, and take stock in what is really important.

You both are in my thoughts, I hope tomorrow is a bright, bright, bright, sun shiney day.

Love,
Karen