Hi All,
I've read a lot of information on the internet, which has been both informative and a burden. Though I think it was necessary for me to do the research, I think it also scared the shit out of me, and I'm not sure it was the best thing to do to keep me from freaking out about my condition. I just wanted to clarify that before reporting on my condition.
Since I last posted, I received the pathology report, and as expected, it was "carcinoma in situ", and is agressive.
A week and a half ago, I had the follow-up surgery, and since, I've had the follow-up visit with my urologist to find out the prognosis. This was by far the scariest day I've ever had in my life, and I was physically sick with anxiety before the appointment.
The surgery went well, and it turned out to be Type 1 and only in to the 1st layer of the bladder wall. My urologist is confident he removed it all, and he said it cleaned up really well. I'm scheduled for BCG treatments in about 6 weeks. This is the best possible prognosis I could have received, and I'm as happy as a person can be with bladder cancer.
Post-surgery has been much easier than after the first surgery. Way less pain - way less bleeding. I was very surprised that it was not as brutal as the first surgery. I've been getting by with Oxybutinin and Tylenol, in the evenings only. Sometimes I don't even need the Tylenol.
I want to give you a report on my emotional condition - because I think that a lot of people leave that part out when posting here. Though it's difficult to accurately convey how stressed and emotional I have been throughout this, I can say that when I was awakened from surgery, the nurse was wiping tears from my eyes. I had no idea why I had been crying, but I think the anesthesia takes away all barriers that you put up, and leaves you stripped down to your core. Later that same day, I had to call all of my family members and dear friends, and let them know that I was OK and that the cancer was Type 1, and that the path was curative. I could not hold it together for many of those conversations, and freely cried and didn't care. It has been a huge emotional relief for me, and I'm not afraid (as a man) to let it all go, and let it all show. All of that toughness means nothing to me now. This disease lets you know you're vulnerable, whether you think you are, or not. There's no hiding. There's no need for a front.
I'm learning. Learning who really loves me. Learning about myself. Learning about patience. Learning to be grateful for EVERYTHING that is good in my life. I'd like to say that I'm learning about God, but I'm not sure there is a God. I hope there is, but I'm done exploring religion and having any sort of faith in institutions. I pray, but have no idea if anyone is listening. It's OK. It has to be OK.
I'm looking forward to the BCG treatments and getting rid of this cancer. I'm TOTALLY determined and confident I'll beat this. Still scared - but not AS scared. If fear is a sign of a healthy mind, then I'm as healthy as I can be!
My people have been so supportive. I had no idea they would be behind me as much as they have been. Pushing me, making me cry, making me laugh out loud. I love them SO much. I want to be like that.
I'll be back to report about the success of my BCG treatments.