Hello,
My mom went to heaven yesterday at 12:27...it was so painful to see her go. Like you said below, the hospice nurses said it could be anytime all weekend starting on Friday. I stayed at my parents house all weekend and never left. I knew when we woke up yesterday she was different. It felt like her soul had already left and it was only her physical body. Sunday night, early Monday AM, I asked her if it was time to go and she was able to say not yet. That was really all we heard all weekend - most of the weekend was unresponsive. She could nod but wasn't able to speak or drink. They said the sucking ability goes away so she couldn't drink any liquids. We used a swab for her mouth and that was it. Sunday night she nodded she wanted some food. I feel bad it wasn't something better - applesauce and some chocolate pudding. I didn't realize then it would be her last meal. 4 months from diagnosis was all we got...16 days from putting her in comfort care and 4.5 days in hospice. I can't believe how fast this has happened. I felt like yesterday was a bad dream and I'd suddenly wake up...never happened.
I will share one wonderful memory from this weekend - my mom loved fireworks. She would spend so much money blowing up stuff. My dad hated it but she couldn't wait for July 4th. She wanted my daughter to be born on that day - she came on July 7th. My neighbors knew how much she loved fireworks. It was a running joke on my street as to how much would my mom buy each year. My two neighbors contacted the local firework distributor and told him about her and her love for fireworks. In our city, you are only allowed to sell fireworks on July 4th and New Years, so he said he was so moved by her story that he would donate some for them to shoot off in honor of her. He wouldn't take any money and donated about $500 worth. He even said we could come to their private warehouse next year to pick out some good ones for her. I knew none of this was happening until my neighbors drove to my parents house and asked us to come outside...they started lighting them for my mom. She wasn't able to see them but could hear them. All I could do was cry...it was so nice of them. I wish she could have seen them but I know she loved hearing them. The funny part is where my parents live, it's illegal to shoot them off outside of July 4th so we were so worried someone would call the police. Nobody did though. She was loved by so many.
I am sad that I can't feel her now. I'm hoping I will soon. I had hoped that when she passed I would feel her love surrounding me. I wish I could remove the memories of her slow breathing and the long pauses and how each one I wanted to scream, breathe!! And when I saw her heart slowing down with each one....until I saw it's final beat. Oh god, how I wish this didn't happen. I know you wish the same for your husband. Thank you again for your support and communication. I don't normally say stuff like this or use this word, but I bought a hat with the bladder cancer ribbon on it and it says F-ck cancer. I plan to wear it proudly...because that is exactly how I feel.