Surgery postponed to Wednesday the 20th...Not. Happy. When one is terrified anyway, one clings to the things that can be counted on--like, it will all be done tomorrow. So it's another morning waking up full of terror and dread and wondering if I'll be around to see my daughter through her bumpy adolescence, worrying I'm going to leave my husband without the love of his life.
I know it sounds overly dramatic, but I'm really struggling right now.
I understand exactly what you are going through. I got busy cleaning closets, printing life insurance claim forms, going over our investments. The only thing I wouldn't due was plan my funeral. Thank goodness I finally got my first TURBT after waiting 6 weeks. Then more waiting for results and a second opinion and now I'm on my 6 weeks of BCG and able to breathe a little better. I still have a few anxious moments, but I've convinced myself to focus on enjoying the time I have. It is definitely all consuming, so I have started planning for things in the future and learning to talk myself off the cliff. I know you will too!! Take some time and get a pedicure so when you have those feet in the stirrups you can enjoy looking at your feet. Ha! I actually did that and felt much better.
One more thing, nothing has been as bad as I imagined..actually nothing has bothered me so far except the waiting.
I've actually planned to go to work tomorrow, as normalcy is good. If my tumor does come back as cancer, I will definitely take your advice and get a pedicure for my first follow-up in the stirrups!
One tiny blessing is that I've learned cystoscopies are no big deal at all. That's good, because there will likely be many in my future!
Based on your "stats", it looks like you did a really good job having your hematuria evaluated immediately. I had my first bout on June 3, and then 3 more after that. Nothing since. Clear CT scan, negative cytology. But the cystoscopy found the tumor. Vigilance pays off!!!