Denise,
As Pat said, MSK is the place to go. This is not a cancer you can mess around with so getting to the best is important.
Many, many of us here have had our bladders out. It's scary before you get it done. Afterwards, not so much.
I have a neobladder (new bladder made from a segment of my intestine) and have been cancer free for a little over two and half years now. There are alternatives for diversions (e.g. Indiana Pouch and Ileal Conduit). There are many others who had their bladders out much longer.
Some post here at this site and others have just put the whole bladder cancer thing behind them and they are doing just fine as well.
While very scary, it is not the end of the world and there isn't anything he can't do without a bladder than he can do now. My quality of life has actually improved because I had prostate problems before that kept me from sleeping and kept me running to the bathroom way too often. Not a problem now.
Best of luck!
Mike