Rayn,
What is important is that your husband be able to read about the experiences of the survivors, there are so many here, so that he can see that his anxiety and fear is normal, but that he will not be "Less of a person " after the surgery. If the sites are from survivors than he is looking in the right places, but if it is just medical sites then he will undoubtedly be scaring himself. Regardless of how much of a provider he is, this has nothing to do with being the breadwinner or provider, this has to do more with the reservation of his life and dignity. If you read what so many of the responses and stories are you will get some very good information on dealing and coping.
Has your husband decidid which replacement option he wants or prefers. I can tell you the experiences of the people on this site is invaluable in seeing what the real options mean in terms of post operative care and dealing with the neo bladder, Indiana Pouch or Ileal Conduit are. It is more than coming on surgery day , going to sleep and waking up with a replacement for his bladder. He needs to be aware of it, and see what the learning curve will be for each option.
Good luck to your husband and yourself and I hope that you can get your husband to read the experiences on this site.