11 years 1 week ago #31753 by Patricia
** This thread discusses the content article: WHO WOULD YOU SEND YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER TO?....... **

I've heard that several times now as a question to ask a physician when considering surgery and i personally think its a loaded question. When my husband had his second heart attack he was in the care of a cardiologist who we had known since he was the top man at the top hospital specializing in cardiac catherization. He really revolutionized the field. My husband had his first heart attack at 41 yrs of age..the same age his own father died in front of him of a massive heart attack. Through the years he had to have stents put in but that heart kept on ticking for 28 more years. The cardiologist moved out of the University setting to an office setting and far less procedures and lots more patients and money. Having gone through research for my own bladder cancer and not quite at the 3 yr mark yet i knew that The Cleveland Clinic was #1 for Heart. While my husband was being stabilized i made contact for him to see a top specialist at Cleveland. He asked his cardiologist whom we trusted all these years , "Who would you want your wife or mother to see"? And with a straight face the cardiologist said he would use the local surgeon. I knew better. I let him go through with it locally. I never saw him again. He died on the table and the surgeon actually said to me, "If i'd known he was in that bad a shape i would have never opened him up"............! Where do you suppose along the line of communication did they not know that? I know.

Its just not a viable question.

When i was researching my current cancer and treatments and had made my decisions the radiation/oncologist actually said to me "If you were my Mother this is where i would want you to have your treatment"....Well besides the fact that she thought i was old enough to be her Mother and did let her know that as i knew exactly when she went to medical school and her age......It was patronizing. I had done my research. If it wasn't the only Tomotomography machine in the tri state i probably would have gone elsewhere. I asked to meet with the physicists and the dosomitrists and checked their backgrounds just to be sure. Not a guarantee but there never is one is there?

I'm probably just feeling sad as my hubby died on our anniversary, April 27th...would have been 35 yrs. Its been 4 yrs and grief lessens but i don't think ever goes away..not if you've got a good one!! I had a good one.

I still don't like the question.....................................

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11 years 1 week ago #31754 by abeach
My husband died suddenly in May of 2003. And he was a good one, too. Do they even make those good ones anymore? My bladder cancer was misdiagnosed the first week of May, He died May 29th. When the symptons appeared again in July, I went to a different family doctor who sent me to the urologust and received the diagnosis. Sometimes I think that if I had been diagnosed in May my husband would still be here because he would not have wanted me to do this alone. I guess that is the only anger I have ever felt and it was directed at the doctor (also my husban's doctor) but I knwo that is just anger. In between the 2 TURBs & treatments I am grateful that I can still work and play with my grandchildren.

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11 years 1 week ago #31765 by Nix
Pat, I am so sorry you had to go through this and carry this the past four years. What kept you from going for his neck? I now understand why you always advise the big teaching hospitals and the best doctors.
I agree with you, Pat. Although I have never had to go through what you have, I have learned by trial and error never say, "Where would you send your Mother or Father etc".
I have asked doctors (esp. my internist - I respect) "please recommend the best doctor for this test, procedure etc., and please know it does not have to be local or one of your friends". Sometimes it just seems easier to go with the closest one, and other times with insurance, finances and fear of the unknown, that dictates where one receives care.
I don't have the medical vocabulary that you have, Pat, but I do try to do my own research and I also do backgrounds (schools,written papers anything I can find). I can only rest when I know I have done the best I can do, and asking the hard questions. (I don't always want to hear the answers :woohoo: )
Pat you have given me wonderful advice and I have never gone wrong following through
I wish I knew your husband, I am sure he was "a good one" look who he married ;)

Nancy S
dx Ta 11/06
dx Ta CIS 10/07

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11 years 1 week ago #31770 by Melodie

I couldn't remember the date but did remember that April was a gloomy month for you, inspite of all the lovely spring flowers that try to cheer us.

I did use that line myself, 20 some years ago. My mother had been told by a surgeon that she needed to have a tumor removed that was on the back of her shoulder. She had lung cancer. I talked with her lung doctor, pulmanary, right ? and asked what he would do were she his mother. He responded he would forgo the surgery, that it would be very hard on my mother who was in her mid 70's and it would not buy her that much time. My poor mother, didn't know what to do and wanted me to make the decision for her. I did. We passed on the surgery and I like to think I made the right call.

Nothing should be assumed when it comes to our health and the health of our loved ones. There are numerous factors to be considered and eductation is the key. Thanks Pat, for talking this subject. Hugs,

Melodie, Indy Pouch, U.W.Medical Center, Seattle, Dr. Paul H. Lange & Jonathan L. Wright

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11 years 1 week ago #31773 by GKLINE
Wow Pat! I didn't know. Thank you for the "rest" of the story. You are and encyclopedia of information and I wondered how you were motivated to accumulate all of that. Now I know.

I guess if you need some consolation for losing a great husband, it must be all the lives you have brought comfort and support to, through the years, because of your tireless efforts.

It does not come close to losing your best friend but:

WE thank YOU so much !

Light a man a fire and he is warm for an evening.
Light a man ON fire and he's warm forever.

08/08/08...RC neo bladder
09/09/09...New Hip
New Man! [/size]

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11 years 1 week ago #31776 by mmc

I agree. I never liked that line because I also thought it didn't really do anything. If anything, the question should be "Who would you go to if you had xxxx?". They can't go to themselves so it would have to be somebody else. Even then, the research is the way to go to find the best answer.

Every doctor is going to think they are good so I'd expect the answer would almost always be "I would send my mom right here since we are one of the best".

Bunch of hooey!!!!

So sorry to read your story about your husband. I hope you realize that people all over the world appreciate all you do and that you have changed and saved lives by what you do on this forum and others.


Age 54
10/31/06 dx CIS (TisG3) non-invasive (at 47)
9/19/08 TURB/TUIP dx Invasive T2G3
10/8/08 RC neobladder(at 49)
2/15/13 T4G3N3M1 distant metastases(at 53)
9/2013 finished chemo -cancer free again
1/2014 ct scan results....distant mets
2/2014 ct result...spread to liver, kidneys, and lymph...

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