Clur,
Thanks for setting me straight, and I'm so glad you're comfortable with the care you've been receiving. That is a huge part of dealing with your cancer, knowing that what you're doing is the right thing to do. Wendy's right about survival mode kicking in, it's something we've all gone through even though we have different levels of disease and treatments. We can't believe what's happening to us and then there's the anger, and to me it sounds like you're getting into that survival mode because you do know what is about to happen is necessary.
I had a song (I know some people think this is strange) that gave me a great deal of strength and helped me over many a rough spot in my recovery, and I'd like to share it with you as I've done so with others. You probably already are familiar with it, it's by Josh Groban and the song is YOU RAISE ME UP. It's actually been recorded by numerous other artists, but my favorite is Josh (probably because I heard his version first). I listened to it while I was in the hospital with a portable cd player and ear plugs, and it helped me to shut out some of what was going on in the hospital (the hustle and bustle of medical care). I actually started listening to this song before I ever knew I had bladder cancer after seeing Josh on Oprah where he sang this song, and after hearing it I went and purchased the cd and started listening to it obsessively. That was more than a month before I was diagnosed and at that time I didn't even have a clue there was anything going on I should worry about.
There's a particular book I've mentioned several times on the WebCafe, although it's not specifically about bladder cancer I've found it to be helpful. The title is, CANCER 50 ESSENTIAL THINGS TO DO by Greg Anderson, it has some great information in it and isn't necessarily something you have to read start to finish, you can read it bits at a time and still appreciate the information you find there.
Do know that we are thinking of you and will continue to have you in our prayers as you get closer to the day of your procedure, and you will probably do very well during your post-op recovery and beyond (I write that because you mention that you've been healthy all your life). I just thought of something you could do to help relieve the stress you're feeling, and it's something I've described in some previous messages to others. It's very specific deep breathing, and I won't describe it again here but if you look back in some previous posts of mine you'll find where I describe it in detail (it's not difficult at all). I think you'll find it helps with some of the panic that you're feeling.
If my arms could reach across the ocean I'd give you a big hug,
Lou Graham