Advice for husband

16 years 3 months ago #11517 by Sally
Replied by Sally on topic Advice for husband
After having cancer myself and now going through the process with my husband, my advice is to get him outside for some fresh air. Like the others said, start walking. Being diagnosed with cancer certainly makes you angry and there are no clear cut answers to the "why me?" question, so being bitter and depressed is understandable. People recover at different paces, so he may need some more time. I never needed antidepressants and it took me a year to get my head wrapped around my condition. Hang in there yourself while keeping an eye open for your husbands mental state. ;D

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16 years 4 months ago #10543 by Zachary
Replied by Zachary on topic Advice for husband

That is so very true.

I think just a change of scenery can help. I don't believe for a minute that feng shui works because of any mystical reason or because there are luckier places to put a door or window than others, but I do think that it works. Why? Because just moving things around helps. Sitting in a different chair. Reading a new book. Walking a different route. Just doing something... anything... helps with depression.

Of course even though I think changing your routine and scenery can work wonders, many times professional help is needed as well. But starting with just a walk, as Stephany suggests, is a great beginning.

"Standing on my Head"---my chemo journal
T3a Grade 4 N+M0
RC at USC/Norris June 23, 2006 by Dr. John Stein

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16 years 4 months ago #10540 by Stephany
Replied by Stephany on topic Advice for husband
I must chime in here, as the wife of one of those men who "retreat to the cave" mentally with any problems. All of the advice you're getting here is valid. And once he has a doc on call for his "moods", the doc can adjust and tweak the meds.

Let him know that the diagnosis itself is maybe causing him problems with thinking, and he could see a doc to help him make a difference.

And maybe asking him to accompany you on a walk is the way to start. You can tell him that you need to walk out some kinks, and need his company. Some men seem to talk better while facing forward, so a walk or a car ride is an easier way to approach the issue.

Good luck. Let us know how things are going.

Stephany in Iowa

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16 years 4 months ago #10524 by Gene Beane
Replied by Gene Beane on topic Advice for husband
MPL51,

Zack has a good point, what is he like otherwise, I know when taken out of what your use to doing it can be devastating. Kind of like when you retire, it all looked great but with all the free time its upsetting if you just ponder away. But with an issue that has forced it upon you the anger may be from the resentment he can't continue with his work. And being faced with b/c. What did he normally do for fun, friends, etc. Maybe he could go visit family, how is he doing now, an antidepressant may help, if he will agree to a meeting with a councelor. Ginger

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16 years 4 months ago #10403 by Zachary
Replied by Zachary on topic Advice for husband

I've been hesitating about responding to your question because I wanted to phrase my question just right. Unfortunately I can't. So I'll just blurt it out:

What was your husband like before the diagnosis? Did he tend towards depression and anger and silence when confronted with problems?

Cancer is a huge shock to the system that magnifies almost everything, but after the initial shock is over I find that most people--in time--return to their pre-diagnosis personality.

It may be difficult to deal with your husband's response to the situation, but in my opinion being angry is a habit and a choice. And it's his habit and his choice. I'm not saying he chooses being angry because he likes being angry, but only he can make the decision not to speak and act angrily.

I hope that if he chooses not to get help for this that at least you will.

My best,

Zach

"Standing on my Head"---my chemo journal
T3a Grade 4 N+M0
RC at USC/Norris June 23, 2006 by Dr. John Stein

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16 years 4 months ago #10401 by Gene Beane
Replied by Gene Beane on topic Advice for husband
Rosemary has a good point, and Warren as well. When men are faced with this its a blow to there psyche,,I am sure thats not how to spell it,, but to sit around its all you think about, we did it all summer, it was drudgery, so when your off work plan stuff, thats what I did, I got on the lets to this bandwagon,,,anything I could think off..ask your hospital where he is being treated for there dept. that helps with coping, they should have a well staffed counceling service. Getting to someone who won't open up is difficult. But give it a try. Ginger

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