Daughter of a Great Dad

10 years 8 months ago #45086 by CatherineH
Replied by CatherineH on topic Daughter of a Great Dad
Hello Karkey... Welcome to our site and I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I am very happy that you still have great love and admiration for your father in your heart despite some of his past hurtful actions. I respect that a great deal.

You pose an interesting thought as to whether he sees himself, or cancer, in the mirror. After my diagnosis, and even after my surgery cleared my body of the cancer, it took a long time before I looked in the mirror and did not see the dark word "cancer" hanging over my head at the same time.

I am fairly certain he is suffering from major depression about the state of his health, in addition to the past guilt regarding the family. That can be a big reason people pull away... they just don't feel like dealing with the emotions because it is so exhausting to do so. Sometimes the emotional pain is greater than the physical pain, and even more debilitating and isolating.

Have you considered just writing all the wonderful things you shared with us about your father in a note and mailing it to him? At least he will know you are still on his side regardless of how he sees the situation. And, you will at least have had the chance to let him know how you feel before it is too late. That will put the ball in his court as to the next move.

I do hope he will reach out to you and allow you to be there for him during this very difficult time ahead. I think your attitude shows that you are also a great daughter of a great Dad!

Best wishes... Catherine

TURBT 1/21/10 at age 55
Dx: T2aN0M0 Primary Bladder Adenocarcinoma
Partial Cystectomy 2/25/10
Vanderbilt Medical Center
Nashville, TN

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10 years 8 months ago #45085 by Karkey
Daughter of a Great Dad was created by Karkey
Hi Everyone~
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am so glad I found this site.
My father has Stage 4 Bladder Cancer that has spread to his liver, lymph nodes, and bone.
My father and I have had a strained relationship the past few years. It has been difficult because it wasn't like that growing up. He made some choices in his personal life that caused a lot of pain to my mother and my siblings.
Despite that, I know that loving someone and not liking decisions that they have made are two separate issues. My father has always been the one person in my life who taught me the value of hard work, honesty, and giving to others. To this day, no matter how he feels, he still gets up every morning and goes to work. I am humbled by that alone.
My father has a lot of guilt which causes him to pull away and shut his family out. He is not supposed to be working so much because his bones have been breaking. Now, he has an infection in his Indiana Pouch that has to be removed.
He will not slow down and I respect the need for him to feel productive. He is choosing to be wreck less and that breaks my heart.
I love my dad so very much. He has pulled away from talking to any of his children. I respect that he is the one living and dying of cancer. I want him to feel like a human being. I have no idea what it must be like to look in the mirror and see your reflection being so sick. Sometimes, I wonder if he sees himself or the word cancer in the reflection!
I just want to know how to reach out to him without pushing.

"Do what you please .. Always.. Walk where you like your steps.. Do as you please... I will... Back You Up..."

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