To much pressure

Dana

This nightime incontinence thing is probably the MAIN Man thing! If you look at the posts on this site, it dominates the Mens concern. Even ED takes a back seat to this "wetting the bed" thing.

Stop Worrying about It!
I cannot think of a smaller detail to dwell on. Have a sense of humor about it. New plumbing has been added to your system and it will take time. So.... take the time!

I am about to celebrate 3 years of neo bladder. I "sometimes" leak if I lose track of time or exert myself. I still leak at night at times. Does this upset me? You Bet! But I look at it in the Full scheme of things.... Small price to pay for LIFE!

I don't want to sound like a Cliche..... But my life is much better now, than before cancer. It was as if it was just black and white before and now I am seeing things "IN LIVING COLOR!" I appreciate life so much more now. I appreciate the gifts that have been given to me. I hope I am a better friend, a better father, a better husband than I was before.

Please don't let a diaper come between you and Life.

Sincerely
George

Dana

I started a post on Saturday. But the words did not come the way I had hoped. I then consulted my caregiver; my wife. I cannot tell you how much harder it is for the caregiver than the patient! I can only relate to your husband's feelings. I was a lot like him. The "perfect" recovery was not coming fast enough! I had NO idea of what I was experiencing and had weird expectations. My wife had the pressure of not knowing any of the medical or physical elements. She was just shown the release papers and we were told "get better! See you in 3 weeks!"

Depression was something I had never experienced in my life. I bet your husband has never experienced it either. It takes you by surprise. It is a byproduct of cancer I guess. Please don't let him wallow in it! I am sure he wants to just "get on with his life!" but..... it will take time. I think he is like me:Type A all the way. Depression hits him harder because..... "this happens to other people. Not Me!"

My wife was a great caregiver .... after a period. Once she learned to take time for herself and NOT feel that every second of her time was needed for me! She took time to make sure she visited with friends and carved out some "Audrey" time. I also had to learn that I was responsible for myself.

Please have a conversation with your husband. If he is doing as well as you say, then he can "man up" and give you a break. And.... if he is doing this well, get him online so he can see how GREAT he is doing compared to others who have been through this. And, he may instead, thank his lucky stars and realize he has been given a special gift of recovery.

My last comment on your emotional state. Three months after my hospital stay and; what I thought was a rapid recovery (your husband just shattered ALL records) my wife had a 3 day meltdown. Nothing serious mind you. But she took 3 days to "Let it All Go!" This took a lot because she is a strong woman indeed. I believe you are in that same catagory.

As a former cancer patient, I will give you permission to "kick your patient inthe ass" .... a little. Sometimes a little tough love has a way of straightening out that thick head we have.

Good Luck. We are with you. We want to hear all of your concerns. You have a right to bend our ear.

Sincerely
George

Hi, Dana, I will tell you that the day Jim came home from the hospital I sat on the bathroom floor, cried and said to him, "My God what has become of us?". He didn't have a neobladder but an IC and he had penial leakage, drainage from his abdomen, he had a new opening in his belly where his urine went to, he had stapled all up his belly and I couldn't seem to help him at all. We didn't have the right kind of "nappies" and I was afraid to leave him to go get some! It was a horror show. But, that was back in late August of last year. Today, he has had 2 Post Op CTs that show him to be cancer free until proven otherwise, he is doing pretty much what he did before all of this and we look forward to life in 3 month increments since he ended up being stage IV BC. We choose to LIVE with BC not DIE with BC. Had Jim ever gotten down, sure he did, but as Mike says..."whack him upside the head" tell him he is alive to fight another day and frankly, no pity parties allowed. If he does continue do let his doctors know perhaps a mild anti depressant is called for. THIS IS HUGE SURGERY and it is hard to deal with for some folks. And that's okay! You take good care of yourself. I made plans to go to lunch with friends at least once a week while Jim had chemo post op. I was and am blessed to have some great friends who are wonderful listeners! We all need that! Stay well and stay strong, Dana!

OK throw this at him.........
Up to 35% of the total population over the age of 60 years is estimated to be incontinent, with women twice as likely as men to experience incontinence. One in three women over the age of 60 years are estimated to have bladder control problems.
So with or without a real bladder apparently there are problems and i have many friends who wear a pad during the day who cannot sneeze without having leakage.
I'm with Mike...slap him upside the head!! He's way ahead of the game.
pat

This "wearing nappies" thing is most likely temporary. For me, I never got night time continence and I just wear condom catheters when I sleep. No big deal.

It is a VERY SHORT time (a few months or so) in the relative scheme of things. He needs to understand that and get over it. If he had stitches for a cut on his arm would he stare at it and get upset that it isn't healing in minutes? Of course not.

This is similar. He has to wear the protection at night because he had SURGERY! Not because he is a little child that hasn't been potty trained. In time (same as a healing wound), he won't need it any more. VERY, VERY, VERY small price to pay to be cancer free in my humble opinion.

Either he didn't listen or his doctor did a lousy job of setting expectations. You don't just get continence in a few weeks. He's pretty darn lucky that he's got any daytime control at this point. Most of us didn't and once we found out how long to expect it to take, most of us stopped worrying about it and just on with the business of healing.

Maybe it's time to whack him upside the head and remind him of what he does have. He has you, your children and whole hell of a lot more time to enjoy all of your company. Seems like a reasonable trade off for a short time of having to use nappies!

Thank you everyone for all the info.
My husband is not on painkillers and I do have help from friends and family and I get away and out quite often. He is self sufficiant to quite a point.
I just don't like to see hime give up so easily, this was a man that was so energetic and he now has to wear nappies at night so it gets him down quite a bit.