Father having radical cystectomy on Friday

I am so sorry for your current challenges. I am onboard somewhat with Mike but also consider what you said. Your parents probably hadn't really prepared themselves mentally for all that has happened. It is a HUGE adjustment initially for everyone involved with the patient. The first few weeks after Jim came home I wasn't sure who might lose their minds first Jim or me. There were issues with getting the right fit of the wafers etc. The early, early morning leaks and other issues. High fevers with infections etc. Scary and some not so scary things happening. Again, this is a big change in all of your lives so try to be patient with your dad and yourself. As far as your driving around in the middle of the night...well, someone else asked if there is a friend in their town who might help with this sort of thing. That is a real option. We have a daughter who lives a 7+ hour drive away from us and she can't help with this sort of thing. Plus, we wouldn't expect her to if she lived 70 miles away. Family meeting to go over things as they stand might be in order for sure.. I wish you all well and things will get better I am sure.

Hi, check your private messages. Carla

Sorry to hear about all you are going through right now. I kind of hate hearing about people who expect everyone else to deal with everything for them instead of doing for themselves.

However, it can be a really tough time and depression (in the patient and some family members can certainly happen). Ask the doc about this for your father. Maybe Cymbalta is in order for a period of time. Stress on the system (idea of having cancer, physical stress of the surgery, accepting the new normal) can change the brain chemistry and cause clinical depression. Meds for a period of time can be quite helpful for folks demonstrating symptoms. By the way, being intolerant/short-tempered/moody, etc. are some symptoms of depression (but not always).

See what the doc thinks.

Consider staying over if you think you'll need to make multiple trips. Alternatively, if he needs a trip to the ER for something minor like a popped staple, have your mom take him or see if you can arrange for somebody (does he have any friends?) local who would be willing to take him.

Best of luck!
Mike

Thanks for your kind message, JimsWife.

This past week has been particularly trying for us as a family. My father was released from the hospital on Saturday and has been a complete nightmare to deal with ever since. I don't think he came to terms with his diagnosis before he began treatment or fully understood what the future would hold (as in taking responsibility for his stoma), so now he's just lashing out at everyone trying to support him, blaming everyone for his situation, and being generally nasty. When first diagnosed, I tried to convince him to go to the cancer support group at the place where he received chemo (and suggested by his oncologist), but he had no interest. I live 70 miles away and have a demanding job, but this doesn't seem to matter to either of my parents - they just expect me to drop everything when they need something, so I get stuck dealing with paperwork, making calls, and figuring stuff out. Of course, I'm willing to help, but it has gotten to a point where they're simply not willing to help themselves - they just call me and make me deal with whatever the issue is, without even trying. My dad wouldn't let me sit in on the session with the ostomy nurse ("You won't be dealing with this"), yet Saturday night it was me that he turned to when neither he nor my mother could remember how to connect the night drainage bag. He insisted that the included adaptor was incorrect (because what he had at the hospital was different) and I ended up calling the hospital and making a round trip there to confirm that the adaptor was correct (at 10:30 PM). I got home only to find that he thought he'd popped his staples (there was blood on his shirt) and wanted to go to the ER. Another round trip and 3 hours later, we found out it was just seepage from the healing wound.

Can anyone offer any advice? I'm considering calling his oncologist (which whom he has an appointment next week) and telling him that my father's mental health is not good. He keeps saying he's "done" and "fed up" with everything, and dragging my mother into his downward spiral.

I hope your dad's surgery went well and that he is on the mend. My husband had this surgery Aug 12th, 2010. The appliance (that's that what folks call the bags/wafers etc) take a bit of time to get the hang of. Jim is a large man so we took time to figure out what would work best for him. Finally we found the right fit. Patience is what's needed most of all. At times it can be frustrating, we had leaks in the middle of the night etc. But, we knew we would get it fitted right one day. TOday, it's not a problem. We just get it changed, and move on. My wish is for your dad to have the same situation. We have also discovered that a good sense of humor is always a good thing. Serious about what needs to be serious but we laugh a lot about the "little things" and there are lots of those! Wishing you and your dad a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! And, a speedy recovery.

Thanks for the update. I've been wondering how he did.