Father having radical cystectomy on Friday

I hope that all is well with your dad. I’m especially anxious that he not have as much trouble getting used to the bag as I did. Refrigeration guys have got to stick together so tell him I’m wishing him the best recovery and if there are any questions just let me know.

Are you sure we are not related? Your Dad is My Dad. My dad pushes me out of any pre-event decisions and when he asks for my help, as soon as I remedy the Immediate situation, He pushes me away from discussing a long term plan.

He is very quick to say "I can handle it!" but when he can't..... I get the call. My dad always made rational decisions when he was working.....Now his decisions are absolutely made on Emotion, with very little thought. Hmmmmmm

If he is anything like my dad: He will Never join a support group- because "those people" are just a bunch of whiners.
He will never allow any "discussion" because "I can handle it"
He also will NOT count on friends for help.... they may see him as Flawed somehow.

I wish I had the answers. I don't. But somehow knowing that our Dad's are similar makes me not feel so alone.


I have found, on one occasion, this worked.
I announced in my own Dad voice; "I am NOW the parent, and YOU are the child. So... I am going to tell you how this is going to go down."

It startled them so much that I got their attention. Just once. I think this can only work on rare occasions when you have "Had IT!"

Now may be a good time for you to give it a try.

Hope it works.

George

MotoMike, I love your comparison between the bag and a crying baby. That is so spot on! You gave me a good laugh tonight! Merry Christmas to you!

Yes, Mike ^^ is right. Depression is a big deal- even dangerous! I was amazed at how depressed other patients were when I was in Keymo. I was on antidepressants and still had difficulty. Have a talk with the Doc on this.

The bag is like a crying baby. Until he gets used to it- it will require attention often and immediately. At 70 I was at a point in life where I wanted to set in the shade, watch the grass grow and occasionally go pull a weed in my garden. The bag would not allow that life style for me and it will also turn his life around for quite awhile. He will be forced to DEAL WITH IT. Please forgive me for being blunt but I’m sort of having to deal with it still (& my surgery was in May). I’m only slightly ahead of your dad and I still go into a cussing tirade when the bag insists on untimely attention (like 3 am). These are becoming less frequent as I improve with cleaning & applying the “appliance”.

I thought of putting an ad on craigslist for a nearby ostomy nurse but my crises are better now. At 3 a m I also considered a taxi to take me and my leaking *%%^#+~ bag to emergency.

Your dad is independent stubborn and private. He determined this when he didn’t want you in on the ostomy nurse appt. so the bag is a fact of life and he must deal with it. Of course this is a crisis time but it gets better and easier to handle.

Of course you love your dad and would do anything you can for him BUT in the final analysis he is going to have to bite the bullet and come to terms with his future life. You cannot allow his difficulties to impact your mental health, your life or your job. I sence that your dads depression is also becoming yours. Have a sincere talk with you mom & dad.

well with the chemo fog, the anesthesia fog , and his age and maybe a B12 deficiency which they should check.......call the social worker at the hospital.tell them whats going on. He is eligible for a stoma nurse until he gets it right. If he's turning down all help but yours then get him to sign a medical power of attorney so you can actually help him. His uro, his oncologist should all be aware of this behaviour...other things might be going on.
pat

Hi Mike,

I'm very well acquainted with the symptoms of depression, having suffered from it myself and sought out both therapy and Prozac to battle it. My father thinks it is all garbage and is resistant to any suggestion that he seek out therapy of any kind I've tried to convince him that it is real and help is available, to no avail.

I stayed over multiple nights last week (and missed 3 days of work), but I can't do this every week. I'm in my 30s with my own life, family, career, and responsibilities. My parents are taking advantage of my helpfulness and both pulling the victim card. My mother could have taken my father to the ER last Saturday night, but didn't, instead waiting for me to arrive home. There are no friends or family members to ask for help from because the only people who know about my father's cancer are his siblings (in another country) and his coworkers, as he won't tell anyone. It is a very unhealthy situation.

Thanks for your suggestions.