just venting

There are days I could care less about anything but I carry on that's my nature. But this sucks no sex like it use to be, with the pouch worrying when I go out where am I going to be when I have to go. Just simple things now are very complex. I am going for my 9 month checkup soon and I still have days I'm not right. I had many medical problems before this surgery not even one month recovering from my left hip replacement I get told I have a 2 inch tumor on my bladder it's like holy shit man. Then I had the chemo b4 the surgery so thats 3 months and I have to wait 2 months b4 my surgery. I had a Bifemoral Bypass I have posted it's like an open heart surgery but down in your abdomen for arteries blocked in my legs. When my surgery was over my wife didn't tell me till we got home they had a hard time getting me back and stabalized she told me she was very scared there for awhile. I never posted this but I figure it happened may as well. And then that surgery the bypass I had a 15 inch incision took my surgeon an extra 2 hrs to cut thru that because of all the scar tissue. Well to bring it to end I had the 2 UTI's and then the infection in my blood the MRSA and I am feeling better these days but damn I need a break for awhile. Hopefully this is a new start and I can get on with my life just that things happened I never dreamed of, first the cancer and then the post op crap. I told God you can try and beat me for being bad when I was young but I can accept what you dish out because you created a tough man. Joe

Lorrie,

A little get away sounds like it would benefit you in alot ways. If Bob can have great care while your gone it just might be the ticket for you. He may also enjoy the separation as the 24/7 gets tough for both..don't let the guilt eat you up,do the best you can.....Ginger

Hi everyone- Thank you all for your input- it means so much having you all listen to my ranting.It really helps to let it out here & not to Bob. When I go back & read my posts I feel so guilty about sounding so selfish- I remind myself that it's 'not about me'.

Ginger, you are a wise woman- I won't 'jump ship'- I may run away for a few days soon though.

We will continue to coast along until we get the results from the PET. We picked up the disc from the last CT scan to take to McMaster on the 10th. The appt. with the Oncologist back in Kitchener won't be until the 22nd.

Thank you again to everyone-Lorrie

Lorrie,
I can feel your pain, the history of what has went on with your husband is certainly not the norm, thank God, of course the bag would have solved alot of his problems he is having now but thats all over the bridge. As my husbands caregiver these days being in a much better position than you with no cancer I still wonder what day will be my day..you have endured much,,I can't even wonder what he must feel like,,,I am sure he just wants to get better and feel human again. I am 62, so I can relate to feeling how can this be happening at this age we all thought were golden years....sometimes spiritual help is in order, if you have faith, give up the pain you feel and recognize each day as a gift with him even through the diapers, bed sheets, and a constant running neo-bladder...look for something good each day, call the kids, tell them how you feel...he has been through so much, I think alot of your anger comes from other places as well as the illness, communication etc. I guess theres no guarantees when one will be hit with something like this in ones relationship, but this is not the time to jump ship, you will be glad in the end you endured...take care, Ginger

Julie who's to really say what Dick's stamina really is or can he really accept all this change. I know for myself somedays I just don't feel well and don't want to hang. I do find this to be true we can not live in the past we must cope for what we have even though it isn't pleasant and move on and make the best of it. If you spend your life thinking what you like your life to be instead of what is it makes life hard to live. Cheers, Joe

Lorrie and Julie, I'm so sorry you are having such a long hard time of it. Makes me angry at myself for getting so upset for the short amount of time that I had to do everything. Guess I need to be grateful but at the time it seemed like forever.

I'm glad Deverne and I can communicate and maybe it was me telling him I would be very happy to have him take some responsiblility for his illness. It wasn't much later he was reading all the information we came home with from Mayo, was taking an active part in getting his supplies, now has researched some new places to get supplies as he like me wasn't really happy with where we were directed at first to get them.

I realize he is different from you husbands as he came home cancer free and of course that had to be pointed out to him too. We are both learning patience and acceptance and can't imagine how hard that would be for both of you.

Please keep coming and venting and letting it out as you have to or it will eat you alive.

I will add you two to my prayer list and ask for prayer from others for you.

May God's love surround you.

patd