Attitude .

Grey,

Great to hear that your friend is doing so well.
Hope the same for you.

Mike

Just a note to let ya'll know Im still around ,just havent had any new questions lately . My friend that was helping me had open heart surgery Monday 5 bypass's and I talked to him Tues evening and he has already been up and walking around. Doc's said it went great and he is doing amazing ,and should possibly come home this weekend .Im so happy for him and his family..

Grey
I can understand how you feel. But not Exactly. We are all very different in the way we are affected by this huge brick wall of cancer. It involves every part of our being. Our friendships, families and relationships of every kind.

My approach was to fight every day. This cancer thing was an enemy that needed to be vaanquished. But as time dragged by my tactics had to change. I became a "smell the flowers" kind of guy. I found a very small positive in the smallest kind of thing. I shortened the long view and started taking each day and finding hope in each experience.

I was doing fine until the day before my RC. My primary Dr. came to my front porch (I hung out there a LOT) and just wanted to talk. Things went fine until he said, " I am not a believer in a God, but if you are, Now would be a good time to say some prayers. This is a big surgery." Well, I was quite devastated. And the Positive energy I had stored up, came crashing down. The moral of this? Sometimes Dr.s don't have ALL the right words. They tend to be clinical and somewhat cold. He was trying..... but he scared the beejesus out of me!

We can all say, "hang in there." But it is different for everyone. The only constant is communication. With friends, family and cyber buddies. We don't have all the right answers, and we don't pretend to be experts, but we know something about depression. It comes along for a ride with this disease. The only way I found a way out was by "talking about it"

So..... Keep posting ...... and we'll Talk About It.

George

Grey -

I'm so sorry that you've lost your wife after so little time together. IMHO anything less than 100 years is too short. She would want you to fight the B#st#rd cancer wouldn't she?

I know that there were times when I felt like it wasn't worth it. At times my attitude was not good. It has to be very hard to go thru this when you don't have someone close to lean on, but we are here and you can lean on us.

Talk to your Dr. (make him put down the file, otherwise he's just waiting for you to finish talking so he can go to the next patient), let him know how you really feel. Sometimes I think you have to slow the Drs. down for them to really hear what you need.

I'll be thinking of you thru this difficult time. There are a great many people here who have gone thru some dark days and can be a great support. Please continue to let us know whats going on.

Lynda

Grey,

So sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you are thinking "What's the point? Except for Dot, my life hasn't been all that grand since my wife died anyway."

Sorry if I am misinterpreting you.

I kind of started getting a bit of that sense from some of your very first posts and now, especially after the lung spots were discovered, things have gotten somewhat worse.

Can I understand that thought process? Yup.

Why? I took Chantix for a while and one of the potential side effects is depression. I got that side effect. For me, it was pretty much just an absence of joy. I didn't realize it for a while but things just seemed off and then I realized that things that usually gave me a sense of joy, didn't seem to. Even when something happened that should have caused joy, it wasn't much.

I stopped taking the Chantix and my attitude rebounded and I am once again a joyful person. I promised myself that I would never let myself forget that feeling because I finally understood what depression is like. My wife had clinical depression for years and I could never quite understand why she just didn't "think about things this way or that way". What I moron I was. Some will argue that I'm still a moron, but that's a post for another day.

On the site here I sometimes think I come across as cranky. If you ever met me, you would know that isn't me at all.

I really, really, really think you need to seriously talk to your doctor about how you are feeling now and how you've been feeling since your wife died. I know you say you aren't depressed, but my friend, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it is most likely a duck.

Doesn't mean that you are defective as a person or anything like that. It means that a set of life circumstances have conspired to alter your chemical makeup. The brain and the endocrine (not all docs agree about endocrine playing a part) system have a lot to do with this. Situations like the death of a spouse (especially) and/or many other types of things in life can trigger this response in the body. The person doesn't usually realize it but over time they start to realize that they don't really feel much joy. It's not something that someone can snap out of or will themselves to do.

It typically requires medication of some sort. Sometimes this can be short term to help a person over a hump and their body starts to regain its ability to properly regulate itself without antidepressants. Other times, people need to be on them for life. BUT--WHAT A DIFFERENCE IN LIFE!

Even if you don't think you are depressed, talk to the doctor about it and just describe how you feel (and how you've been feeling). He/she would likely prescribe something that can help you. Down the road, you see how things are and maybe taper down to see how you still are.

You have a lot of complications going on right now.
Do you have to "Put up a fight?" and all that to beat this cancer thing. Personally, I never viewed it that way. My view was just get the best treatment I could get and put this behind me. I didn't visualize beating cancer anything like that. Never saw it as a battle. Other people do and if that works for them, that's great. Nothing wrong with their way for them and my way for me. Everyone deals with things differently.

Let's figure out what the deal is with the lungs. If your bladder cancer has spread and they're talking about a short time to be on this side of the grass pretty much no matter what they do, well that's one thing. If both these situations are things that can be treated and you can get on with your life, that's another.

In either case though, I think the antidepressant route is something to very, very seriously consider. No matter what path life takes you in the coming weeks, months, or years, wouldn't it be nice to feel joy the way you used to? It's ok to feel joy everyday even though your wife isn't here in body with you anymore. Dot's still here. And if Dot was ever not there, there are other puppies whose life you could save and they yours. So I guess I'm saying that no matter what, get the help you need to do it with joy.

If your doctor says you don't need it, ask him what its going to hurt to try Cymbalta or some other med. If you need to, ask yourself the same question. What can it hurt? Isn't a life with joy (even in the face of adversity) something that you deserve? I think it is.

I wish you JOY!


Mike

Grey

Others have already said what I wold add about resources and potential meds so i won't. What I will do is give you my take on attitude. In short, I think its right up there with the skill of the doctor in terms of importance. Am I suggesting being a cheerleader or ignoring the bad. . . No, what i mean is to focus on the next step, the next bit of improvement, the next deep breath, whatever and take control in terms of knowing what the plan is and then working to the plan. And yes, plans change, especially in the not so fun world of bladder cancer. I went through a dozen operations in under two years and they were my first surgeries of any kind. All the while, I made some dark humor type jokes to keep myself (and my docs) chuckling and worked my way through it. I'm about 16 months out from the last of the surgeries and I'm able to work full time, travel and do other good things. I made it to my son's college graduation a couple of months ago and have made other milestones.

And you know what? I was scared or in pain a bunch of the time but when its getting to me like when the nurse is poking around for the SECOND TIME trying to get an IV going, I literally close my eyes and take very deep and measured breaths. Sometimes I count or if I'm lucky enough to have music going, I hum to myself and just get through whatever it is.

Of course I get to low points but usually i can get through them in a day or so and get back on track.

Does it work? My nurses and doctors thought so because they told me and have told my wife that I'm an excellent patient and it helps get me better. I believe also that when the patient sets that positive example, the staff joins in and there is a better outcome.

Does it always work? No but to me its like not picking up your paycheck. . . those are MY days (and years) and I want them so I'd better make sure that I grab them.