Hi Beth... So sorry you are going through all this BS and I understand how the urge to scream is almost overwhelming sometimes but you can't let it out and alarm your loved ones. Sometimes you gotta put "strong" and "inspiring" on the shelf for a bit and just let it all out somewhere. Here is a good place! I hope all that fire shooting out your fingertips and into the keyboard has helped take that edge off a little bit.
Like Sara Anne, I hope this is just a temporary hiccup that can be dealt with quickly. We are all united in how much we HATE this damned disease!
And Sara Anne... thinking of you on Tuesday!!!
Best wishes... Catherine
TURBT 1/21/10 at age 55
Dx: T2aN0M0 Primary Bladder Adenocarcinoma
Partial Cystectomy 2/25/10
Vanderbilt Medical Center
*Please note, I swear a lot. I do not edit myself for language, just for typos (but those might slip through, too). Consider yourself warned!*
I've been laying low for a while, checking in here and there with folks who asked for contact, but mostly just getting busy with life post-RC. Then I had a bullshit scan with some random activity in the ureter/left kidney vicinity a couple of weeks ago. %$%*^&*%*$&*$*!!!!! This May would have been two years post-diagnosis. And hey, it may all still be a tempest in a kidney-shaped teapot, who knows...
But in the meantime (and I use the word "mean" advisedly), I was in the hospital for three days last week without being able to actually *get* to the little bastard whatever-it-is in question with a laparoscopy. They ended up punching a hole in my back in order to set UP for getting to it next week. If you hear something, it's the sound of my head spinning violently as I scream "WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIIIIIIT????"
So I'm here at home with my wonderful husband, sweet helpful parents and darling little daughters, the youngest of which is now 4, old enough to know something's wrong. The oldest is going to be taking her CRCT tests in a couple of weeks, for God's sakes. And I won't know until THURSDAY (maybe?) if I am going to be able to be there for them or if I'm going to be in shitty chemoville all summer again.
So this is me not being "so strong!" and "so inspiring!". Everyone around me is praying and expressing love in all the ways good people do, and I'm seething with fury. Not because "it's unfair" (I never expected fairness from life), but because I am ANGRY at the stupid tubes and rubber and piss bags and everything I thought I was DONE WITH. I celebrated getting rid of the gauze and syringes and absorbent pads and having a bedroom that looked like a bedroom again, not a hospital room- DAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT. I want very much to throw heavy things against the wall and watch them shatter. Interns should probably stay out of arms' reach.
Okay, I don't have a question or anything. I just need somewhere safe to vent my fury and rage, and I'm pretty sure there are people here who have felt the same. If history is any guide, I'll feel a lot better after I hit "post," so thanks in advance.