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Sad News – my dad has lost his battle with BC
It has taken me a while to get the strength and motivation to post on here that my father passed away on August 12 at age 71 after his courageous 2-year fight with bladder cancer. I was at his bedside at hospice, I still am not sure that was a good thing as the images of watching him essentially starve to death were pretty horrifying. You can read my earlier posts to get the broader history, but basically after having his bladder and prostate removed in mid-2012, he only had about six months of relatively normal, cancer free living until he started to have serious bowel problems. It took them a while to figure it out, but the cancer had metastasized in his colon, rectum and bowel area.
They tried a couple of different types of chemo over the poast 6 months, but his body could not tolerate it and he ended up in the hospital several times due to hydration, low white blood count, etc. During this process, he also ended up needing a colostomy bag as the tumor caused a blockage to the point where he was rushed to the hospital in extreme pain. In early June they started a last ditch effort of combined slow realease chemo coupled with radation treatment. BY the end of June they told us that the treatment was shrinking the tumor, but his body started to show signs of weakening again. By June 30, he was back in the ER with extreme abdominal pain and vomitting. From that point he was never the same. The doctors kept suggesting the latest inflamation could clear up, that it could have been bacterial or a side effect of chemo/radiation. Nontheless, over the course of his last 2 weeks, they inserted an NG tube to help remove the fluid which was just horrible. They also surgically inserted a feeding tube (j tube). They had also relied for a few days on TPN for nutrution. I am still trying to figure out if any of those things did any good, as it seemed near the end the doctors were doing more harm than good. I am not trying to blame the doctors for my father’s sickness or eventual death, but I just feel like they held out false hope and continueed to adminster damaging treatment and all those other procedures (j tube, TPN, etc) and really caused my dad to be more uncomfortable. His body was even rejecting the feeding tube, so we were finally able to convince them to allow him to be transferred to hospice – which had asked for almost 2 week earlier. I think he knew his body was done, and he was ready for the end.
Hospice was great, and they made him feel very special and comfortable his first couple of days there. They were able to use the feeding tube for about 3 days, then his body rejected it again and they decided it needed to be turned off. At that point you could see him weakening almost by the hour, and his eyes were very sad as he knew this was the end. They continued heavy doses of morphine and he gradually entered a comatose state. He would squeeze a hand or even shed a tear once in a while if one of my brothers, my mom or I got upset while sitting with him. He passed peacefully with the room quiet and lights dimmed around 11:50pm after 6 days in the hospice house. I had never been through anything like that in my entire life – the actual watching of a loved one take their last breath. I assume one day I will be thankful to have been there for that moment, but right now as I reflect, it was too numbing of an experience to make sense of it.
Sorry for this reambling message, not sure too much I have written here will help anyone dealing with BC at this point. But, it felt good to write it down and even if nobody reads it, the forum has provided an element of therapy for me as a grieving son. Once I get my thoughts and feelings in check, I do plan to provide insight and guidance to others who post on here now that my journey as a loving caregiver for a family member suffering from BC has ended. Keep up the good fight for anyone dealing with this, I leave you with the words I read at my dad’s service:
“I could spend countless hours telling touching and funny stories about my dad that I have experienced throughout my life with him. But, in offering a few simple thoughts I would want to tell you that as a child and more recently in my adult life he provided me with treasured moments on which I will now be able to reflect and use as inspiration for the remainder of my life. As I am saddened beyond belief from his passing caused by this dreadful disease, I am equally delighted by the sincere and overwhelming stories that have been relayed to me from people in his life where my dad has made a tremendous impact on their lives. It is amazingly comforting to know that dad was not only a dearly loved and cherished husband, father and grandfather, but that he touched so many lives even outside of our family in such a special way. I try to model myself after my dad in so many ways, especially in my own relationships to make me a better husband, father, brother, son, and friend. That is what my father instilled in me, not just through the special relationship I had with him in 45 years, but through my observing his relationships with others around him. I love you dad, I was truly blessed to have you as my father.”
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6 Replies
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My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. I am sorry for the past time your father suffered, but knowing his loving family was by his side I am sure brought great comfort.
Carry your special thoughts of your Dad with you throughout your life, and the memories will be carried down through the generations of your family.God Bless,
Nancy
Nancy S
Ta CIS
dx Ta 11/06
dx Ta CIS 10/07
I am sorry for your loss. bc really ticks me off.
But, your heartfelt remembrence of your dad was a beautiful tribute to him. He would (and is) proud of what you have become. Trying to emulate him is the most sincere form of love. He fought the battle, and there is no shame in losing the fight. he gave it his all.
Having you remember him so fondly is a wonderful thing. Take that foundation he gave to you and make him proud indeed.With Great Love
George
Light a man a fire and he is warm for an evening.
Light a man ON fire and he’s warm forever.08/08/08…RC neo bladder
09/09/09…New Hip
=
New Man! [/size]
Very moving and heartfelt words about your father. It’s just so sad when someone has to go through so much, and you as a loved one feel so helpless in the face of it all. My husband and I were with both my mother and with his mother when they passed away, and it was a much more peaceful and less frightening experience than we would have thought. It’s good you were all able to be with your father in his last days, and I’m sure he was aware of your presence even when he was unable to respond. When my mother was dying, the wonderful CNA who was with us in the room told us to keep talking to my mother, that hearing is the last sense to go and that people who appeared to be unconscious could very likely hear,understand, and be comforted. May you and your family find peace and comfort down the road.
Ann
Small TA Grade 1, May-06; recur (2 tiny), same, June-08; TURBTs both times. BCG begun July-08, dosage to 1/3rd May-10, completed treatment December-11. All clear since 2008.
Thank you for sharing! My condolences. It is never easy. It is brutal and emotionally draining what you have been through. Remember the good times also before all of these struggles happened. You must certainly be a loving and caring husband, brother and son as you hoped and wrote about! Be proud.
I too had the difficult decision but also a privilege to be at my Dad’s bedside as he passed a few years ago at age 88 while he was semi comatose from a heart attack. Being there while not fun I learned many can still hear and communicate if only their eyes. I could tell him that his kids and grandkids were OK and that all was taken care of. I tried to soothe as much as possible with singing, talking and stroking his head and hands. Cherish the fact that you helped in a moment of need!
Then just a month ago a sister passed from a severe stroke. Same chapter and verse at the end. Unpleasant-you bet but, again a privilege.
Some handle passing differently which is also OK. There is no right or wrong. You did what you felt was best. I applaud you. You will reflect positively upon your experience as painful as it is. I have never looked back. Also, kudo’s to hospice, they are a neat organization!
DX 5/6/2008 TAG3 papillary tumor .5 CM in size. 2 TURBS followed by 6 instillations of BCG weekly with a second round of 6 after a 6 week wait.
I am so sorry that this horrible disease has taken another loved one from us.
I know that you will be glad that you were able to share those last days and moments with your dad…He knew you were there for him and that was all you could do. It is so hard, but you should be proud and grateful that you were able to do this for him.
Hospice is a wonderful thing. People do wait too long to avail themselves of all it has to offer.
Please accept my condolences to you and your family…
Sara Anne
Diagnosis 2-08 Small papillary TCC; CIS
BCG; BCG maintenance
Vice-President, American Bladder Cancer Society
Forum Moderator
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Dad to this terrible disease. I am also very sorry for all the pain and suffering he had to endure, and for your family’s heartbreak as you stayed by his side throughout the course of treatment. Your words are a beautiful tribute to him and what a wonderful father and human being he was to have touched so many over his lifetime.
This is a good place to share your grief because you can say here what you don’t want to say to your loved ones because they have their own grief to carry. You weathered this as a family and I know your Dad was greatly comforted by all the love surrounding him.
I am glad you had hospice to help get through the last days. Sharing this information will undoubtedly guide others if they ever find that they are facing the loss of a loved one.
Please visit the forum as often as you need to help work through your grief and sadness. There are many here who can be understanding sounding boards for what you are going through. Again… I am very sorry for your loss.
Best wishes… CatherineTURBT 1/21/10 at age 55
Dx: T2aN0M0 Primary Bladder Adenocarcinoma
Partial Cystectomy 2/25/10
Vanderbilt Medical Center
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