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  • Just thinking out loud….

    Posted by julieann on June 4, 2008 at 2:54 am

    Hello all! I really don’t have anything new to report, so I guess I am just thinking out loud. Forgive me if it bores you! So far so good here. Mama is going strong. She makes the very most of every day. In fact, she could run circles around me I think. This week she has picked more cherries (from the back of a flatbed truck), planted more tomatoes, and gone to Kentucky to make her rounds in the Amish community there. They go there often and have made lots of friends. She gets frustrated with us sometimes when we “baby” her. I try not to, but I worry that she will over do it. I mostly keep it to myself, but my sister and Dad fuss over her and it gets under her skin. I have to admit that while she looks well, I often wonder what the cancer is doing and where it has gone. I keep telling myself not to think about the negative. So why do I? I don’t know. I think about negative stuff mostly at night when I can’t sleep, or sometimes if I hear a siren and listen to see if it is coming our way. I think about things like when will it get bad, how fast will it get bad, etc. Again, I don’t know why I can’t just leave it alone. Then, I feel guilty for thinking about it. I feel like I shouldn’t think about it because it, because that my thinking about it is so wrong. I should be positive. I know this. One thing she has started doing is comments like “if I’m still around”. She doesn’t mean it in any way but realistically, but it makes me cringe every time. Anyway, of course I don’t want anything to change from the way things are right now, but it is inevitable. Sometimes I think it would just help if we knew what to expect, but I know that isn’t possible. I can’t help but think the doc in January saying “a year”. This is month 6. I know everyone is different and God is the onein control, so why do I feel like we are going to begin the downhill soon?

    replied 16 years, 8 months ago 4 Members · 6 Replies
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  • 's avatar

    Guest
    June 5, 2008 at 4:13 am

    Julianne,
    In alot of ways I bet it does seem like MAYbe its gone,,,she doesn’t let on to her illness, so its hard for you to too..but you keep wondering.WHATS GOING ON HERE ANYWAY, she’s great and I am a wreck. She has to be one special ma ma. she is very spiritual, she has put it in the hands of the higher being..strong individual!!! Of course your worried and wondering, its nature to do so!!
    I know before Gene’s surgery, not knowing what the outcome would be a certain calm came over me like it was out of my hands,I had no control, scary, but somehow it was okay,,I had faith in the outcome,,,Ginger

  • Julieann's avatar

    Julieann

    Member
    June 5, 2008 at 12:32 am

    Thanks you guys! I know I shouldn’t worry :( Karen–the sad thing is that I can’t keep up with her! I’m the one getting overheated etc. She amazes me and I am so thankful that this has not gotten her down spiritually or physically thus far. Melodie–Thanks for reminding me to take care of and pray for myself as well as my mom. I do believe that she will be strong until the end and that God will protect her from pain. Ginger and Joe– Thanks for always being patient with my ramblings!!
    I can’t help but ask however, what are the chances that there has been no spread since January when we found out it was in the nodes? Be realistic, I can take it! She just doesn’t seem to have changed, so maybe???????

  • melodie's avatar

    melodie

    Member
    June 4, 2008 at 6:27 pm

    Juliann,

    I talked to a Christian friend who once who had a girlfriend who had to battle cancer in three different areas of her body…she enjoyed what days she had…until it finally took her life…she was an elderly woman…and believe it or not, she reported no pain. Maybe it was the power of prayer. I would try not to worry about tomorrow as that is stealing time and energy away from your “today” that should be enjoyed as much as possible. What will be, will be. And since we tend to worry about things too much, perhaps this journey for her, will not be nearly as bad as you might imagine it to be. Hang in there and ask God to lift this burden of anxiety and stress from you…you likely have prayed for mom but don’t forget to pray for strength for yourself. Take care….Hugs, Melodie


    Melodie, Indy Pouch, U.W.Medical Center, Seattle, Dr. Paul H. Lange & Jonathan L. Wright
  • momof4's avatar

    momof4

    Member
    June 4, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Joe, Great story!!

    Julieann…I believe that we all have a “made on date”, and and “Expiration Date”…it is our job to do what we can in between…your mom decided against further treatment…but by doing what she is doing, she is still fighting…and beating cancer…

    As for your feelings…They are real…You are scared…That is so understandable…maybe you should join your mother and pick and plant…you will spend time together, and probably laugh and joke and have a great time…(and you could keep an eye on her too)…We are women…we are compassionate, and we worry…it is in the job description…don’t fault yourself for it…Enjoy her, while she is enjoying herself…

    Karen

    Karen


    Caregiver for my Wonderful Husband Angelo, who has Metastatic Bladder Cancer.

    Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

  • 's avatar

    Guest
    June 4, 2008 at 12:19 pm

    I remember when I was a trucker and there was this bar around the corner. This is in Phila and they are notorious for corner bars in their neigborhoods. I use to stop in and have a couple of beers on the way the home and the couple that owned the bar were in their 70’s. Her name was May and when I use to leave I say hey May I’ll see you tomorrow and she always said “The good Lord willing being”. If your mom can still do all these things God Bless her and let her to do what makes her happy I think it’s great. Point being if she says “if I’m still around” makes me think of May saying “The good Lord willing being” So it’s just something older folks may say I want take that too serious. She sounds like a tough cookie. Joe ;)

  • 's avatar

    Guest
    June 4, 2008 at 3:48 am

    Julianne,
    Your not boring me at all, our children were very concerned, standing over my shoulder all the time, there for office visits etc. I know how your mom feels, I had to tell the kids, I can still pay the bills and get the mail. I am 62 not 95..but its well known your only thinking of mom,, she knows that, as I did with the kids. Maybe give her a little slack,, treat her as if she had nothing at all. Give it a try!!!! Ginger

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