Home Forums All Categories Muscle Invasive Bladder Cancer It’s always something—what’s behind curtain #3

  • It’s always something—what’s behind curtain #3

    Posted by Cynthia on January 10, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Well the tests have been reviewed, first and second opinions obtained and the word came down from Chicago today. “Removal of the left kidney and ureter, the kidney functions poorly and I am concerned about the possibility of urothelial cancer in the left kidney and ureter.” Not what we wanted to hear but as life tends to do we heard it anyway. So I am the proud owner of a broken kidney that may or may be cancerous with a completely blocked ureter that may or may not be cancerous. After weighing the options it seems the only real option at this point.

    So how do I feel about that I mean after the panic attack went away that is. Mad really really mad, kick the wall and yell at something mad. I don’t want to be doing this anymore I think if life was fair it would all just go away. People are always telling me how brave I am and I always smile and think if they only knew the truth. I am scared, scared of the pain, scared of the future, scared of running out of parts that I can somehow do without. What they see as brave is doing what we have to do to get through to the other side or well or the new normal. When faced with serious illness we can either take plan a or plan b. Plan a is to fight and do what we have to do and plan b is to do nothing. I always take plan a as plan b scares me even more than plan a. So if not brave what does that make us? It makes us survivors……..sometimes surviving to fight another day. Survivors fall down and they keep getting up and not only that they find a way to keep going forward doing what has to be done. I have gotten to the place I like being called a survivor to me we are strong resilient people not a bad thing to be I should think.

    We will be leaving for Chicago on Jan. 25th surgery the 29th and will be back we hope by the week of Feb. 10th. While we are there I will have internet and work as much as I can. I will be recruiting a few of you to give me a hand around here to keep the place running smoothly. And the rest of our wonderful board will be here to help also. And I promise to keep you updated maybe blog a bit as I go along. And then when I am healed we are going to double our efforts to get the word out about blc and making sure that no one has to go through this alone. I am sure glad I don’t have to.

    Chin up and straight forward


    Cynthia Kinsella
    T2 g3 CIS 8/04
    Clinical Trial
    Chemotherapy & Radiation 10/04-12/04
    Chemotherapy 3/05-5/05
    BCG 9/05-1-06
    RC w/umbilical Indiana pouch 5/06
    Left Nephrectomy 1/09
    President American Bladder Cancer Society
    GKLINE replied 16 years, 1 month ago 22 Members · 22 Replies
  • 22 Replies
  • gkline's avatar

    gkline

    Member
    January 13, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    “A NEW CAR!!!” Sorry, I had to find out what was behind the curtain. I ALWAYS hope for the New Car. I am in the New Car business. Sadly, at the moment, a domestic make, small town dealer makes it kind of a double whammy to have both cancer and sagging business at the same time. Sometimes my humor is a little jaded. So, please take some of my lines with tongue in cheek. Wry humor with a twist seems to find a home with me these days.
    Seriously, I am saddened to hear the latest news but I am so pleased with your response. I am constantly told by my friends that I “look good” or I seem so “well recovered” Sometimes I want to sceam and Punch something. You are allowed to Scream louder, and Punch harder, than I can.
    I wish you well and am very concerned for you physically (I know, after reading your posts that emotionally you have your mind in the right place) I remember that line “show me a good sport, and I’ll how you a loser” You are not a “good sport” You have every right, in fact you are required to scream, kick, swear, throw a tantrum and gnash your teeth.
    I sincerely hope that you have great treatment and they care for you the way we care for you.
    I am known for saying “It is better to look good than to feel good” (this was an old SNL skit with Billy Crystal doing an imitation of Fernando Lamas) to let my friends know that sometimes, on the inside, I’m not feeling quite as good as I’d like.
    Please be well and know that all of us who write on this blog, and many more who only read, are behind you 100% and want to travel this road with you back to health.
    George Kline


    Light a man a fire and he is warm for an evening.
    Light a man ON fire and he’s warm forever.

    08/08/08…RC neo bladder
    09/09/09…New Hip
    =
    New Man! [/size]

  • flamenco's avatar

    flamenco

    Member
    January 13, 2009 at 11:41 am

    Cynthia, Just wanted you let you know I am with you,and hoping and praying for you in this next battle.
    Flamenco.

  • Ladyjd's avatar

    Ladyjd

    Member
    January 12, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Cynthia,

    This latest news is so unsettling, yet I know that you will persevere through this with the determination you show in every one of your posts.

    You have voiced so many common thoughts and given us so much direction and support. Know that we are with you in thoughts, prayers and spirit in your battle.

    Judy

  • kathyk's avatar

    kathyk

    Member
    January 11, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    Cynthia, I don’t think people understand the true meanings of some of the words they use, nor what we really go through. When people tell me that I am so brave, I want to say “you haven’t seen me at home when I cry, pound a pillow,yell, or know how much fear I am feeling.” But I don’t. I looked up the word brave and the synonyms are fearless, undaunted, bold, intrepid and heroic. I don’t think many of us fit those definitions. Survior means to remain alive: live on; to carry on despite hardsips or trauma; to cope with a trauma or setback; one who lives with affliction. So yes, we are survivors and we do carry on and we try to cope. And we do have hardships, trauma, setbacks an afflictions.

    When I read the numerous and difficult treatments you have endured only to end up having your bladder removed, I know you are a survivor. And you will survive this next big hurdle because, as you said, there is really no other good option. You fit one definition of the word warrior (not the brave one but) “one who is engaged in or experienced in battle”. That’s you. You didn’t enlist for this war; you were drafted. I’ll pray that you will be given strength and peace of mind as you head for the newest battleground and that your surgical staff will have the ultimate wisdom and skill that only God can give them.
    Kathy

  • melodie's avatar

    melodie

    Member
    January 11, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Cynthia,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your latest challenge. I’m glad you can vent on the subject…you know all here will help to cover during your absence as best we can. We all get tired of trying to be strong…get as much rest as you can in preparation for the surgery…you will surely be in my prayers. Hugs, Melodie


    Melodie, Indy Pouch, U.W.Medical Center, Seattle, Dr. Paul H. Lange & Jonathan L. Wright
  • lady-jane's avatar

    lady-jane

    Member
    January 11, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    I can scream really really loud!
    Cynthia, I am so sorry you are going through this. I will light a candle for you on surgery day meanwhile you are in my prayers.
    Fight the fight!


    Ta Grade 1
    6 TURBS
    15 BCG
    dx Jan 07
  • thewifeagain's avatar

    thewifeagain

    Member
    January 10, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    Cynthia

    You are such an inspiration to me. I respect your dedication to helping others through the ups and downs of not only bladder cancer but life. You are always so thoughtful and generously share your wisdom.

    Wishing you the very best as you surely deserve it.

    Pamela


    Age 53 Currently
    Bladder Cancer Diagnosis October 2006 T1G3
    2011 Finally made it 6 month between Cystos
    8/22/2011 Cysto in the OR
    (BCG and BCG Maintenance over the years)
    Graduated to yearly Cystos
    Tumor found at first one year Cysto – TURBT 4/26/2013
    Kidney pain – CT scan 5/1/2013
  • gracie's avatar

    gracie

    Member
    January 10, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    Cynthia,

    Primal screams are the best – they really get it out. But you have to start slow and let it build up and then let it rip! It works wonders but the neighbors get a bit testy.

    I wish you didn’t have to deal with more. I hope that it goes smoothly for you.

    Best,
    Gracie

  • stephany's avatar

    stephany

    Member
    January 10, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    I never considered joining in the kicking and screaming…..and I’m GOOD at it. So, kicking and screaming in Iowa. Wailing and crying, too, after signing the guest book. Thanks for setting that up.

    Stephany in Iowa

  • julie's avatar

    julie

    Member
    January 10, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    I’ll join in on the kicking and screaming. I would be angry too. I’m sorry that you have to go through more surgery because of bladder cancer. I will help in any way I can. Holding you in the light.
    Julie


    Volunteer Coordinator
    ABLSC
  • harry-s's avatar

    harry-s

    Member
    January 10, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    Cynthia – Count us in with all others who will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Harry and Margot

  • moonerj's avatar

    moonerj

    Member
    January 10, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    Cynthia

    We all are here for you. You will win this battle.
    You and Ed will be in my prayers.
    Jack


    TA Grade 1
    3 Turbts
    30 BCG Treatments
    Cancer Free since Nov 2007
  • DougG's avatar

    DougG

    Member
    January 10, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Cynthia,

    You are STRONG and will make it through this. Fight on! We are with you.

    Doug and Anita


    Anita
    Forum Moderator
    Caregiver
  • jmema's avatar

    jmema

    Member
    January 10, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Cynthia,
    I am so sorry to hear the news of another operation. You have a right to be mad and kick the wall. Even with the arthritis in my toes I will kick along with you. The wonderful thing about this forum is that you can express your true feelings and everyone understands.
    You always say chin up and straight forward because even though you are scared you always push forward and put up the best fight. So, lets pray that even if we lose a battle now and then we ultimately win the war.
    Blessings….Jean

  • 's avatar

    Guest
    January 10, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    Cynthia,

    Count me in on the kicking and screaming! Life is just not fair as many of us have found out recently.

    If it is any consolation, my sister in law had her kidney removed via keyhole surgery last May and is doing just fine now.

    You know you have the full support of all of us on the site.

    Love and best wishes for a speedy recovery,

    Anne
    xxxx

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