Ian,

I can equate with you completely. I too, have a discouraging and anxious feeling everytime a cysto shows another recurrence. Even when I have done watchful waiting when a tumjor has appeared, I am hoping by some miracle or application it has dissapeard by the next cysto. This last time, prior to my 5th TURB in seven years, I had a tremendous panic attack. You would think I would be use to this recurrence, pre-op and TURB but when faced once again with the reality of the dis-ease we are dealing with. I am quite adept and forgetting about my bladder cancer between cysto's but still hold my breathe a bit when going in for a cysto. I am now one month past my last TURB. NOTICE I SAY LAST - LOL I think your reaction is pretty normal. Rosie

gerbil on steroids? now that's an image I can relate to! Ian, it's really important that you carry on living between these appointments. I don't think you are wrong to cancel the trip (I would probably have done something similar in the early days of my illness) but you are more than just a disease. your pathology gives you a good prognosis. you have to find a way of living around this problem because it IS possible. i dealt with it sometimes by giving the trips to the uro "dentist" status. but it is a bummer to build yourself up for a clear cysto and then get the depressing news that its back. you have to salvage some kind of peace and a good life in spite of it if you can. ask others for help with the business while you are dealing with this if you can. asking people for help is more of a skill than many realise. also, absoloutely IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! you have to know that. it's pretty important to move forward. its just a shitty thing that's been visited on you by blind luck and the challenge is to run with it and, as much as possible, give it the middle finger by enjoying as much of your life as you still can. but there's lots of support for you here and elsewhere and people who have come through what you are going through and beyond and managed to still be happy people living full, interesting lives. like me for example!!!!

all the best

tim

egtmcsq what Tim is saying is true the low grade ones for some reason to reaccur, and you are getting checked out routinely this is all in your favor. What happen to me was last Sept 06 I had an operation for a left hip replacement. It was like learning to walk all over again. So the first week of Dec. I was released from the Ortho Dr. for my hip. This was when I noticed my first sign of blood in my urine. I waited a week and it kept happening so I went to the Uro. I about fell off the chair when he said you got a 2 inch tumor on your bladder holy crap. So the whole time I am recovering from the hip deal I got this big ass tumor growing in me needless to say not the best of holidays last year. Anyway I had the chemo first and then the surgery and now I am cancer as of now. So I know it isn't easy but it could be worse so hang tough and see what happens. Take Care, Joe