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Looking for advice

2 years 2 months ago #53388 by jbodine84
Thank you so much! I love how you compared it to diabetes. It may bring him some comfort to hear it put like this. Your words were so encouraging and helpful. I truly appreciate it!! :)

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2 years 2 months ago #53387 by Cynthia
First off take an big breath. The stress you are under is intense right now as it is on your boyfriend. First off non invasive bladder cancer has a high rate of reacurrance but a reacurrance is not the end of the world. The places he tumors that came back were probably seeded and ready to grow when the last TURBT was done. The thing with non invasive is keeping a check on it and making sure it does not become invasive.
A lot of people have trouble with a catheter but he have to remember that it is for a small amount of time. They do not always have to use a catheter following TURBT it depends on how much has to be done. There are ways to make the catheter more comfortable during BCG please talk to your urologist they can use a numbing jell and also can give your boyfriend something for nerves prior.
If your boyfriend is having trouble with drug abuse he will need to be willing to seek help. His anger at you is probably his anger at the situation and his own inability to handle his own fear. But he has to be willing to seek help before things will get better. Some of what you have said makes me believe that he may not really understand bladder cancer. Some people hear cancer and think it is a death sentence and that is not the case with non invasive at all. Non Invasive bladder properly treated just become a fact of life for most survivors just like any condition such as diabetes or high blood pressure. Let untreated all three can have a bad outcome but with proper treatment life goes on. He has to understand that if he does not seek treatment and keep this in check that the discomfort of this will seem small once his choices are out of his hands.
If your boyfriend will not talk to you is there someone he trust that could talk to him? How about having him post here we will be happy to listen and share experiences? We all understand that being told you have cancer is a shock we have been there done that. Anger and depression can be a very normal reaction for some. I really think if he understood his diognisis better it might help with the stress. Many of us have found that we needed therapy or marriage counseling after our diagnosis but he has to be willing.
Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing someone die because they could not pull themselves together and fight when they are dealing with a situation that could have had a very different outcome. Hopefully he will get to the place he is in and reach for the help he needs to move forward he has a lot to live for.
Hang in there we are here for you.

Cynthia Kinsella
T2 g3 CIS 8/04
Clinical Trial
Chemotherapy & Radiation 10/04-12/04
Chemotherapy 3/05-5/05
BCG 9/05-1-06
RC w/umbilical Indiana pouch 5/06
Left Nephrectomy 1/09
President American Bladder Cancer Society
The following user(s) said Thank You: jbodine84

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2 years 2 months ago #53386 by jbodine84
My boyfriend, the father of our 2 little boys (ages 8 and 4), was diagnosed in late Oct. we thought it was kidney stones. They saw a few small spots and scheduled a TURBT. They removed 10-14 large tumors and declared him all clear (was confirmed with Roswell). He just went back for his first scope and it's back :(. They say they saw 2-3 small spots again. It's in a different spot higher up in the bladder like it's moving towards the kidneys (scary). Now he's going to have another TURBT in a couple of weeks. He doesn't do well with the catheter (it's very uncomfortable/painful for him) as well as getting scoped (they have to put him under anesthesia). His doctor feels like he isn't a good candidate for the BCG since he has so much trouble with the catheter. He is 36 and has the bladder of a 76 year old. Yesterday he flipped out on me, he was screaming at me at the top of his lungs right in front of the boys! He kept saying that I have an attitude towards him and that I'm obviously not happy being with him and that it's obvious that I don't care about him. He went as far as to say that he's not going to get the surgeries anymore since I obviously want him to die from cancer. !?!?!? I know that he's stressed out and probably depressed but he refuses to talk to the doctor about his feelings. He says he won't ever take anti-depressants but I believe that he has been taking painkillers (without a prescription)... I might be unhappy with the situation but I would never blame him for it. Nobody chooses to get cancer. I really want to help him but it seems like he just wants to give up and then blame me for it... Any advice or thoughts???

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