Just plain sick of it

13 years 7 months ago #33411 by lhpdogs
Just plain sick of it was created by lhpdogs
I was diagnosed TaG1 and had a TURB in December of '05. Three recurrences; will have my 12th BCG tomorrow. All this time, I have felt so positive - never worried about my life being shortened by cancer or even about the procedures I have to keep enduring (other than those here, who else can say they know the inside of their bladder like the back of their hand?)... But today, I am so low....these treatments HURT; there is a lot of blood and tissue, and I find I am increasingly unable to work on the same day (even from home), because of the discomfort. It's taking me (and my bladder) longer to recover every time. Next round, we'll dilute the stuff more, and I may ask for some narcotics!!!

I think I have 4 mos. till my next maintenance round (I am only 1-yr tumor free at the moment).... I don't want to think about it, remember it, look in the toilet for blood every time I pee, for the next 4 months. I don't want to give up my Personal Time at work for more pokes and peeks and invasions. I have never ONCE felt sorry for myself since my diagnosis, as I know I am not losing my hair, throwing up, or writing my will like others with more killer cancers.... But I am finally feeling it, finally feeling like "damn it, i have this stupid cancer and I HATE it!!

Just venting here... I hate to bother my family and friends; after all, they've been going through this with me for almost 5 years now, and who knows how much longer they have to listen to me? Thanks for listening!

TaG1 12/05
3 recurrences
BCG started 9/09

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