Before my diagnosis, I had read a bit on internet on blood in urine ( bearing in mind that mine had only occurred after medication with anti inflams or aspirin). When I read anything that said a possibility was cancer I just looked further, sure that it was something else, maybe had been given too much medic , or some sensibility in kidneys from chidhood problem, but was sure that I was teflon coated where cancer was concerned. ( No family history, no smoke, pretty healthy life style etc etc ). When they eventually did an ultra sound It was really obvious that there was something there that shouldn·t be, and I felt like my legs had turned to water.I think I coped emotionally pretty well,organised to see an oncologist 2 days later, arranged togo for Turb, etc.
Managed to stay calm on the outside while hubby threw a wobbly .
All until I went for a doctors appt.,arrived 2 minutes late because of roadworks, missed my slot and then had to wait until end of surgery hours, and whilst waiting a friend came in, and asked me how everything was going. Could hardly speak, left surgery, couldn·t go home cause would only upset hubby, so went to my office, locked door behind me and bawled my heart out.
That for me was a turning point. I still have odd days when I wonder if this thing is going to be what eventually takes me, but those days now are few and far between. What this disease has done for me has made me appreciate infinitely more what a wonderful life I still have, and have had.I cope much better than before with trivial problems. I don·t suffer fools or cheats lightly, but believe I have more compassion and charity for those who maybe are not as strong mentally as I feel I am.
Sorry if I have gone on a bit long, but you did ask for input ! I think at the moment we who have non invasive bc are in a very priveleged position. Whatever happens in the future, we have time to look at the options ahead, talk to those who have experience, and we are aware that from now on we have to be diligent about attending whatever medical appts we need.
It is ok to have bad days, even to curl up and cry about the unfairness of it all now and again. I suppose in a way it is like grieving the loss of a taken for granted health that we had. So we must make the best of what we have now.
Your friend Flamenco
Susan....I've got to say i was completely surprized by my reaction in the E.R. when they said there was a tumor in my bladder after having gross hematura and the CT scan. I sort of took it in inordinate stride.."cancer" i said..."possible" they said....but i knew. I'd really never heard of bladder cancer so the road ahead was a little unsure. I pretty much concentrated on what i had to do immediately and get my brain cells in working order. I was just all business you know. I didn't break down until i was a week within my surgery and that was precisely for the reasons you are crying now...i thought of my children, their children, what possible legacy could i have left behind, what should i have done with my life......pretty much the gamut...i just bawled. I think you do what you have to do to defeat this and then the emotions come to the surface.....so i don't think its unusual you feel this way. Honestly for me anyway..i think those of you that have to go through poke and peeks every three months, deal with BCG, are much braver than i ever was. I had no choice but to get rid of the bladder and maybe that was my small blessing in disguise?.........Pat
10 years 10 months ago - 10 years 10 months ago#21372by Rosemary
I don't know if I will be much help here.
For myself, the only way that I can deal with the reality of this disease is to some how hook it in to my own philosphy on life and death and put it in that perspective.
Still, the long term ramifications of the disease weighs very heavily upon me. For instance, the road ahead....if my road is indeed to be a long one yet, then I have to think about all the efforts to stay on top of it through invasive tests and cystoscopys and Dr.'s Appointments. I don't like going to Doctor's much. I don't like anything about it. I'd rather just not have this stupid disease....
....but there it is in front of me...
I hope you arent' more depressed. I guess you could look at it this way....we are luckier than some....
Age - 55
T1 G3 - Tumor free 2 yrs 3 months
Dx January 2006
Wheni found out I had bc , i really took it well I think. I was a little shocked and depressed, but all in all i think I did good.
Now I am wondering if I took it too well and didn't give myself enough time to really hate it and be mad , and cry, and worry . All those emotions .
Now I feel like crying or something. Not sure how to put it. i guess just so sad for myself. is that being too selfish? I don't mean to be. But I think of all the time ahead of me to be concentrating on this. It keeps making me think of all the people and the wonderful world I would leave if this were fatal.
I know what you will say , it isn't fatal. I am taking care of it. But there it is. I guess for the first time i feel really really mortal.
no one else i can talk to about this right now , so hope you all didn't mind.