A rough day

Dana, the best thing about this board is there is someone who has been where you are and no one understands us like that. This board has been a godsend to me for 5 years. I will keep you in my prayers and don't think God has forgotten you. Just "Be still and know". I know it's so hard and my heart aches at times when I read the posts but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Blessings....Jean

Hi, Dana, I haven't posted here in a bit and am glad to see you still come back. Having gone through the chemo with Jim this past year I can fully understand what you are talking about. And as others have said I also believe it is sometimes harder on us the caregivers than the patient. Not that their part isn't hard as well. But, we see our loved ones in pain, suffering and so very weak and think to ourselves we cannot endure one more day of watching this happen to OUR beloved. Well, we managed to get through it all and Jim is doing very well. He went for his latest CT this afternoon and once again we pray with a greater fervor that all is well on it. I agree with someone who posted to ask for help. It is so hard to do sometimes for many of us but sometimes just reaching out helps and people do want to help however they can. They often simply don't know what to offer you. So, know that there are many of us here who are willing to listen/read and try to help you as well with support. I will pray as George will that you will find some peace, rest and joy in your life. I have posted here before that we pray and laugh a lot at our house. Because often if we don't laugh we may just cry. Take care, friend! We are here for you.

I have to recant. I watched Joel Olsteen Sunday morning and he said that we should all have a file in our mind titled "I don't understand it and it's ok". This statement got me, because I have held onto all this mess and it has eaten me alive. But, when I considered that I don't have to know what God is doing and it's none of my business, I was able to see the blessings He has poured out into my life. The church. Friends galore. Opportunity. Healing. Of course, it hasn't all come in the way or shape I expected, but I'm grateful nonetheless. He loves us, we just have to be humble and accept His love for what it is; better than what we would provide for ourselves. As stupid as it sounds, this isn't the first time I learned this lesson. Several times in my life I've made a mess of things, and He has cleaned it up and blessed me when I finally laid down all the cards and gave up. I am giving up again and putting it in His hands. He can take care of this and nothing I can do can make it better, and I'm ok with that. And I don't have to try to make sense of it.
some examples of how I'm blessed.
I'm surrounded by friends.
I hired someone to come in and clean my house 2x a month.
Just about every Sunday, since July, my pastor will preach about cancer (He loves us)
My husband and I haven't argued in months (we've argued since high school)
You know that's God working....

God has never stopped listening. Sometimes I rage against the respones I get..... or think I'm getting. Sometimes I cannot believe the suffering he allows..... How could he?
I am not a BIG church Guy...... But I sometimes shocked at how We are able to endure such pressure and then....... Ta Dah! Something Clicks and I am sure it is nothing I did!

Your Posts make me very sad..... and VERY Mad! Good people should NOT have to go through this. But we have to believe in Something. Something that is beyond this world. Sometimes I read hopeless posts and I wonder what words can be said that will help. I am at a loss when you write about how giving up is coming on the radar screen as an option! Please Please find some positive thing to hold on to. You are going to need it. You deserve it!

My heart goes out to you. And my prayers(Just bitchy conversations sometimes) will include yuou all.

George

What a blessing to read your post! I, too, am having a bad day. My husband, too, is sick. I have said the same things that you posted here. Thankfully, other people pray for me, because I too feel that God stopped listening several months ago. I have kids as well and have truly struggled with the thought that I am losing my mind, because I cant take all the responsibility anymore. thank you for posting. I feel better. as for finding a church, I have a church and talking with the pastor doesnt change the circumstances.

Dana,

This whole process has come on like gangbusters in a very short time. Hard to tell if you both have even really come to grips with it yet. Like you said, your husband may just be coming to terms with it now because you've both been so busy just getting it treated.

As mentioned, depression is a very real and very challenging possibility. Do discuss both your husband's and your situation in terms of emotions with the doctor. Could be something can be prescribed to help during this extremely stressful time.

Don't lose faith. Try talking with a priest/minister/<insert your spiritual leader here>. For people who have faith, losing faith during a trying time can compound things even more.

Belief in a higher power, be it God, Gods, the Universe, energy, or what have you can be highly beneficial. When humans can lay the burden of worry on someone else, it sometimes helps them to let it go enough that they can process their emotions a bit a time instead of being completely overwhelmed. I'm not talking about laying blame. I'm talking about saying "Help, I can't deal with this, please deal with this for me or help me deal with it". With that kind of faith the burden is lessened.

If faith was important to you prior to this, giving up on it now can end up having you feel guilty over that, which basically adds to your burden.

If your husband can connect to someone who has been through what he is going through it would likely be very helpful for him. Maybe ask his doctor if there is a prior patient whose been through who would be willing to talk to your husband.
Maybe someone closer to home would be better for him. He is not the first person to go through this and he won't be the last. At the same time, he is likely feeling very isolated.

I am hoping for the best for the both of you. It is going to take some proactive action on your part and his part.

Mike