A day of mixed emotions

Hi, Julieann, Julie, Karen and Jamie -- Susan here. I just want to say from
my perspective as the one in my family likely to leave before any of us could
have imagined prior to my diagnosis and then tumor progression to stage four: Yes,
family and its importance is brought into clear focus by a tough battle against
cancer. Finding ways to celebrate family love can't not be but bittersweet during
this journey. In may case, some of the things that have happened are that sons
planning to marry or become engaged did so sooner rather than later -- the son
who got married and his wife got going on a grandchild right away, due at the end
of the summer -- we had what might have been my last Christmas and my last Easter
aware of the fact, but wonderful anyway. A camera shy person all my life, I am
making sure that I am IN the picture these days because [....] I am also expressing
love to all on every occasion and hearing love expressed back. I sure do not want
to "leave" though and plan to do whatever I can to try to "reset the clock" on my life expectancy -- even if I end up shortening my life in trying to extend it. The toughest things right now for me are learning what "twinge" to worry about or not and setting priorities.

One final throught: I think that if some of my loved ones were to cry in front of me, it might help me to let go and cry. I really haven't done that yet. But I'm me and those you are caring for might feel differently.

Love to all -- Susan

Julieann,

I know how you feel. I have been having an emotional day today too. I haven't stopped crying. I don't know what I am going to do without my wonderful husband, He will miss so many more memories...I will be standing there watching our childrens lives unfold without him...who will possible care about the little things as much as parents? And knowing that my children won't have a father looking on is an awful lonely feeling....

Julieann,

This disease effects the whole family and the best way to describe it would be like a rollercoaster....many ups and downs. How you are feeling is normal. Keep spending time with your Mom and treasure her. I know it's hard to block out sad emotions but just try to enjoy your time together as much as you can. Sounds like you had a wonderful day.

God Bless,
Jamie

Julieann, your family day sounds wonderful. A partial answer to your question about your feeling could be that you are grieving in advance. It is like all our moments these day are bittersweet.
Julie

Hello all! Just came from Mama's and this is the palce that I like to share my thoughts. We celebrated 2 of the grandkids birthdays and had a belated egg hunt today. It was wonderful. Everyone was there (all four kids, all 4 spouses, and all 9 grandkids). That really isn't unusual since we all live very close together. Anyway, Mama was in good spirits of course and Daddy was too. He just looks so old and he worries me. He tries to stay busy and does the craziest things. This week, he pulled up a huge stump and hauled it into the yard so that Mama could plant roses around it??? He also found a big rock that he was determined to bring to the house (you would have to know him Anyway, he was so involved with this rock that we had to go out and hunt him down Wednesday night AFTER 10:30!!!! There are 800 acres, so you can imagine.
After the egg hunt, Mama sat all the kids down and handed out little gifts to each and told them how much she loved them and how each of them are special. It just reinforced the reality that this could very well be her last Easter. THat she may not see the kids' next birthday. That is why I said it was a day of mixed emotions. While it is wonderful to be together and have a wonderful time, there are always those gloomy thoughts in the back of your head.
I didn't think Mama looked good today, but my husband says I am imagining it. She seemed distant in a way. I guess she also has those thoughts in her mind. She seemd tired....physically and emotionally. I just don't know. We had a great day together, so why do I just feel like crying?