The dark side of the Cancer Card

16 years 4 months ago #9473 by mikeg
Replied by mikeg on topic The dark side of the Cancer Card
hi ginger - my bad. i didn't mean cleaning people at all. i have someone to clean. we have a very large house and i can't keep it up myself. i meant a nurse-type person - like an aide. i don't know if i'll have to lift michael in and out of bed - things like that. i don't know if i'll be up all night with him and i'll be exhausted. he wants me to get help with caring for him - i'm just asking if that's necessary. he's worried i'll go crazy and become resentful. neither of us want that. i'm just trying to prepare for all scenarios and make things as smooth as possible for both of us. i want to take as much stress out of the situation as i can. the only thing i have control over is how much help i get - everything else is totally out of my control, and that doesn't feel too great. so i hope i'm explaining myself clearly. we feel very out of control regarding this whole surgery, its aftermath, and its eventual outcome. my husband doesn't want to be in diapers. we're freaking out. i know i joke around a lot on this forum. but really i'm just trying to get some control over the things that i can control.

as far as "true feelings" - by that i meant that people are honestly expressing their feelings of impatience, anger, and guilt. and i think that's a good thing. i am a very up-front person and say whatever i am thinking - i don't pull any punches. what you see is what you get with me. so that's why i'm asking about the first weeks home from surgery, and what i should expect and how i should best prepare for it.

eileen

Michael
Age 58
Stage T2-T3, muscle invasive
Married to Eileen
2 sons, ages 20 and 23

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16 years 5 months ago #9463 by Gene Beane
Replied by Gene Beane on topic The dark side of the Cancer Card
Yes, we seem to be moving right along on this forum, for Eileen, I am not sure why your asking me about the cleaning people, we have a 3/4 acre lot, 4 bedroom 3 bath home with a built in swimming pool and I have managed most of that since May myself. And I didn't call the pool man.I do use cleaning services but mostly I have them when were in Aruba on vacation, just let them come in and do a good job, even nooks and crannies. Then in February we spend 4 weeks in Sottsdale Arizona. Since I have all my jewelry with me I don't have to worry about the stealing thing. I guess it depends on how clean you need your house, do your kids live at home? Do you work all day? I wouldn't think you need them at all, it didn't occur to me before surgery that I would need cleaning people. I am in marketing, my office is in my home. I am not required to be at appt's, but maybe twice a week. So I just keep it up myself, besides the grandchildren are in and our all week long, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,cookies, yogurt, I am always wiping it off something.
Gene probably wouldn't have wanted to stay upstairs while they cleaned, wrong time for cleaning people. You are focusing on the wrong stuff, only do it if it becomes necessary, you can't predict how dirty you're house will be. Thats my advice.
Or I can send you Gene, he does bathrooms, thanks to me...Ginger

What exactly do you mean by true feelings? If your referring to my reply on how patients can take advantage even if they aren't aware they are doing it. Its up to us to let them a little slack as you go, not to become hovering, it doesn't help either one.But YOU DO NEED TO HOVER FOR THE FIRST FEW WEEKS, SO MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE, GET OUT YOUR SWEATS AND HUNKER DOWN FOR WEEKS 1 THROUGH 3. at least.

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16 years 5 months ago #9462 by mikeg
Replied by mikeg on topic The dark side of the Cancer Card
hey all - this website is getting a lot more interesting, isn't it. i just said to my husband that he'd better not leave his depends on the floor for me to pick up after his surgery and he said, "don't threaten me." isn't that just great - i can't wait to see how this is all gonna end up.

and whoever mentioned about the people at a party complaining about their cleaning service not getting all the nooks and crannies - yes, having this cancer does make us look with disdain on everyone else's little bullshit problems. but we were all probably that way before our loved ones got diagnosed.

anyway, here is a question to ginger and whoever else is recovering from surgery - should i hire a person to come every day to wait on my husband so i can come and go a little bit and get a break? i'm not the most patient person and i don't want to get a divorce after all this is done. my husband wants me to hire some help for after the surgery - i already have cleaning help 2 mornings a week but he wants me to get more. do i need it? please advise - we have for the most part a great marriage and i would like to keep it that way. now that the true feelings are coming out on this website, i'm getting a bit more anxious about the reality that will set in once we get home from the hospital.

eileen

Michael
Age 58
Stage T2-T3, muscle invasive
Married to Eileen
2 sons, ages 20 and 23

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16 years 5 months ago #9455 by Gene Beane
Replied by Gene Beane on topic The dark side of the Cancer Card
Yeah Pat, and when our friends were over 2 weeks after surgery, I said, so show them your bag. (afterall thats what the last five months have been about)don't know why I said it, but Gene declined.

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16 years 5 months ago #9453 by Patricia
Replied by Patricia on topic The dark side of the Cancer Card
hmmmmm...reminds me of the time at a social gathering and a group of ladies were discussing how thier cleaning service just did not get into all the nooks and crannies.........and i said.."I don't have a bladder".......i found another group to talk to........... ;D

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16 years 5 months ago #9452 by Gene Beane
Replied by Gene Beane on topic The dark side of the Cancer Card
Yes , not all of patients fall into this category, but it is something to think about as it can be happening and you don't recognize it as a caregiver until something major points it out. Maybe its not as intentioal as they make it, so its good to point it out to them as well. Clear the air!!!Ginger

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