Second opinions always helpful in a situation like this. I don't think your uro was probably too far off ...there are other things that can be done but only by a top uro/surgeon.
Now that its into her nodes she's probably too frail to undergo chemo. A Ct/PET scan would have shown involvement if it was there at the time.
** This thread discusses the content article:
My mother had a minor operation last fall to place a stent in her ureter the surgeon found cancer at top of ureter near kidney, he said it was possible to treat her by removing the kidney and ureter, as she was 79 and in poor health we declined such a radical procedure . I found out later the cancer was confined to the lining of ureter I asked him about the turbt procedure but was told there was too , confusing also no staging or cat scan as we refused more radical procedure. As I learn more about all this I wonder why she did not get offered the resection and BCG treatment. Now it has spread to her nodes and bladder and we are left wondering ...why?