Guilt

I can only echo what has already been said - in both posts so far. I am writing this as I juggle 3 hospital appointments this afternoon! (At least they are all in the same hospital). We all need to get on with living and coping with our own situations without feeling guilty. Thank goodness for this site and the chance to let off steam in a safe environment. Just this time last year I remember feeling guilty because my treatment appeared to have been successful compared to others I was friendly with online but then I discovered my breast cancer - just how much did my world fall apart?
Yet another stream of conciousness from Betsy Mae!!!!

I do not know where to post this. Usually I would put it in a blog, but I can not access that right now. Forgive me in advance.

Guilt

It is such an ugly word. We associate it with shame and wrong doing. It is what we are supposed to feel when we are committing an act we know is wrong. How then can living be associated with this word? We have all been told about survivors guilt, but today it hit home.

A good friend of mine has been in pain for 4 days. Today she had a CT and a large mass was found in her colon. She will be seeing a specialist in a few days. What could I tell her? She is in a panic and all I could do is be there for her. I tried to tell her there could be many reasons for this, but she looked at me and said, “That is what they told you.” I felt guilty about making her worry. I know she would worry no matter what, but my story has added to her stress level.

My husbands car pool buddy and his wife have been waiting for the results of her biopsy and gene test on some lumps in her breast. Her mother went through surgery and chemo last year for breast cancer, and her aunt that just turned 40 has stage four breast cancer. Today she got her results the lumps were benign but she has this horrible gene that gives her an 85% chance of getting breast cancer. I feel guilty because I have not offered her any support. I do not know what to say so I have said nothing. This is wrong and I must find a way to overcome this.

While cooking dinner today I got a call from the mother of one of my daughters acquaintances. I had not talked to her in months. She was calling to ask about houses in our neighborhood. We talked for a while and as the call was winding down she asked me how I was doing. I answered as I usually do “doing good”.
Her answer shocked me she said, “At least your alive! My friend just died from cancer.” I honestly don’t remember the end of the conversation. The anger in her voice echoed in my head. She was grieving for her friend and that spilled over onto me. How dare I be ok when her friend was not. GUILT!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is my 15th wedding anniversary and 20 years together. I am happy to be here for it, but feel guilt. I started today sad because of finances, job worries, etc… and the rest of the day crashed down on me. Yet I am alive and happy to be here, and happy that lately my biggest worry has been will we make the mortgage payment. The guilt however, weighs like a ten ton anchor. I have to hope that tomorrow holds better news and ask your forgiveness in laying my burden on you my fellow warriors. Yes, I guess that is a different sort of guilt.

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