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Questions and venting

4 years 6 months ago #47877 by JodieG
I'm a 52 year old female and was diagnosed with carcinoma in situ on August 28, 2014, so I don't know if I would be considered Newly Diagnosed, but I am just coming to terms with it. I've read a ton of stuff over the past few months but feel more confused than ever, honestly. Since this has such a high recurrence rate I thought I would attempt to attack it from what I thought was the source. If my body's immune system did not have what it takes to keep the cancer cells at bay, then my logic was to work on that. If the recurrence rate wasn't so high I would have just followed the standard BCG route. Anyway, after 3 months of a very rigorous diet and supplement regimen which left me feeling really great and symptom free I went in for a biopsy 3 weeks ago and the diagnosis came back that 3 of the 4 biopsies taken were positive for CIS. I honestly was devastated. I had read other people's stories that had beat bladder cancer naturally, so I thought I would just fall in line with their testimonies.

So I'm scheduled to start 6 weekly treatments of BCG on 1/13/15 but I'm kicking and screaming the whole way. I feel like once I start on that bandwagon I'll never get off. My oncologist has been great - he STRONGLY urged and recommended I do the BCG this past fall but agreed to follow me with a couple of cytologies (which were negative and gave me much hope) and the biopsy that I had 3 weeks ago which was positive. I'm so bummed I didn't take his advice on many levels - one is that I had already met my high insurance deductible this past fall and so it would have been free to me. Now I start another year of a high deductible, so we'll be paying through the nose for the BCG treatments. Another issue is that I just dragged out this whole experience longer - maybe even allowed the cancer to grow more - who knows? The positive side is that my body feels healthy and strong in many ways so hopefully it will help me to go through the BCG treatments with less side effects. Time will tell. Another positive is I have a great support system of 4 teenage kids and a wonderful husband and great friends.

I think the worst part about this now is my attitude. I'm so angry and sad. I've cried more since my doctor called on 12/15/14 to tell me I still have cancer than I have in the last decade. I keep replaying in my mind the scene from The Incredibles where Edna Mode swats Elastigirl with some rolled up papers saying, "Pull yourself together! .... FIGHT! WIN!" That's what I want to do but I can't seem to get there.

My post title is Questions and venting, but I've mostly vented. My questions are along the lines of what happens now? What is the standard outlook for someone like me? It seems the prognosis is 90% treatable with 80% recurrence. BLACH! I don't even know what to ask I feel so confused, so if you feel prompted to tell me anything it will probably answer a question I would have had if I could articulate it! I could fill up this post with paragraph after paragraph of thoughts and feelings and details, but I guess I'll end here.

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