Containing your anger

14 years 4 months ago #28620 by GKLINE
Replied by GKLINE on topic Containing your anger
Mad....Sad...Happy....Introspective.....hurt....ashamed... Scared to death!!!..... Pissed Off..... What the @%$&.....and finally; WHY ME?

I was never much of an emotional guy for most of my life. I never got too excited and never let myself get too far down. I guess it was my upbringing that said "Don't get too thrilled when things are good because they can turn sour, and don't get too far down because they can turn around for you.

But THIS! cancer thing... and the year it came:
My favorite yellow lab of 13 years had to be put down. I cried like a baby.
The stock market fell like a stone...Goodbye retirment until 2 years AFTER I die (at age 99 by the way)
The automobile business my family has run since 1918 took a huge nosedive. But we avoided the dealer purge (we are a Dodge, Chrysler dealer)
My mother's Alzehimers took a big step toward nursing home care.... but not yet!
Got cancer, had 3 surgeries, got better, found this site and gained perspective. Realized there is life outside ourselves.
Had bad hip, got new hip, worked like a dog to get full movement. Am now perfect. My wife would argue with that though.

I had a friend who knew about all of this an he said "Don't you get up in the morning and say 'Why Me?'
After thinking about it, I realized .... No! I have soooo many things to live for and soooo many things left to do, that I WILL not let this thing consume me.
I did NOT put this post in to say "Oh Woe" is me. Every person on this site has their own list of problems. Most of their stories would overwhelm a normal person. But in this circle of cancer survivors, a remarkable strength occurs.

It is absolutly OK to have every emotion known to man (or woman) Screaming, tears and gnashing of teeth are all very good ways of letting it out. But, when calm sets in and the strength of perspective comes into view; Remember the PRIZE...... LIFE. Every clear cell in my body fights for it.... and every day brings a new chance to immerse myself in it!
This all may seem very sappy, and it is! But we are allowed. It is our cancer given right!

George Kline

Light a man a fire and he is warm for an evening.
Light a man ON fire and he's warm forever.

08/08/08...RC neo bladder
09/09/09...New Hip
=
New Man! [/size]

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14 years 4 months ago #28613 by mmc
Replied by mmc on topic Containing your anger
Vi,

Good luck with that lung spot. Hope it is nothing!
Will be keeping things crossed for you.

Mike

Age 54
10/31/06 dx CIS (TisG3) non-invasive (at 47)
9/19/08 TURB/TUIP dx Invasive T2G3
10/8/08 RC neobladder(at 49)
2/15/13 T4G3N3M1 distant metastases(at 53)
9/2013 finished chemo -cancer free again
1/2014 ct scan results....distant mets
2/2014 ct result...spread to liver, kidneys, and lymph...

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14 years 4 months ago - 14 years 4 months ago #28611 by Cynthia
Replied by Cynthia on topic Containing your anger
We all react differently some get depressed some angry some stoic, there is no right or wrong. Before you are done you probably will be like most of us and go through every emotion known to man. It will take you a while to wrap your mind around this. A lot has changed in your world over night something that was unthinkable is now reality. Most of us go through life thinking things like this happen to the other guy not us.

I can’t remember every being mad I was too terrified to be anything else. My bladder cancer was invasive from the beginning, the night I first read about Radical Cystectomy I spent some time on the floor in the fetal position. I cried until it was a wonder dehydration didn’t take me out instead of the cancer, I was putting new drama in drama queen. All I could think about was cancer it was the center of my life I was a person with cancer physically and emotionally.

Then the day arrived for me to report for my first course of systemic chemotherapy and radiation as part of the clinical trial I had enrolled in. As I stood outside the door to the cancer center I froze, I could not breath the enormity of it hit me so hard. I must have stood there for a full minute staring at the door when a little boy almost ran me over to get inside, his dad right behind him with his backpack telling him to slow down. He couldn’t have been over five, obviously very sick, bald as a cue ball and very thin. To this day I don’t remember moving but I followed him in. He ran straight for the elevator and hit the button for pediatric infusion, talking all the while about seeing his friends. I made my way to the lady’s room and locked myself in a stall and cried once again, but this time I was not crying for myself. Talk about having an attitude adjustment, what was going on with me was too bad but what I had just witnessed was a tragedy. I knew that no matter the outcome for me I had lived he had not. I found a good therapist so I could talk openly and honestly, that and time helped me gain perspective again. I am not going to tell you that I do not have bad days there have been many, but I can honestly look you in the eye and tell you that I am happier today than before cancer.

I predict that in time you will be giving advice to the new guy on the block telling them to give themselves time to adjust.

Cynthia Kinsella
T2 g3 CIS 8/04
Clinical Trial
Chemotherapy & Radiation 10/04-12/04
Chemotherapy 3/05-5/05
BCG 9/05-1-06
RC w/umbilical Indiana pouch 5/06
Left Nephrectomy 1/09
President American Bladder Cancer Society

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14 years 4 months ago #28610 by vgau
Replied by vgau on topic Containing your anger
As I sit here and read these postings of support from all of you I have tears steaming down my face. I am so thankful to have found a place where I can get answers to questions, read about other people and hopefully offer words of support.

I go in next week to talk to a lung specialist about the nodule they found while doing all these test to find out about my bladder cancer.

Thanks to you all for your support.

Dx 10/5 Non Invasive Papillary

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14 years 4 months ago #28609 by Betsy Mae
Replied by Betsy Mae on topic Containing your anger
Interesting thread - as ever on this site.
I am most certainly angry - very angry. Especially as I felt I had beaten the urachal cancer only to discover breast cancer and now the fact that I've been walking around with secondaries in my hip for the past year at least.
The general feeling is - why me? what have I done to deserve all of this? Am I such a bad person?
But then you have to pick yourself up and get on with life. I have a husband, children, parents and friends who do not deserve such the self obsessed monster I was in danger of becoming.
Thank goodness for this site and the chance to offload to like minded people who understand what I am going through.
Thank you all for your support and love. I only hope I have given and am able to continue to give support to you all too.
Betsy Mae

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14 years 4 months ago #28608 by vgau
Replied by vgau on topic Containing your anger
Pat,
I feel so much for you as you must deal with another diagnosis and really wish you the best with that (I'm hoping to read updates from you in another posting since I checked this one first). My picture for this has me and my new grandson. I save my crying that I might not see him grow up to when I am alone and figure that may never go away. I can deal with crying and sadness. I don't want to live with anger or treating others badly because of my anger.

Dx 10/5 Non Invasive Papillary

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