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11 years 5 months ago #6543 by n3qtrtme
Another factor you may want to consider when you discuss this with your child is how well-versed he is on the internet. My husband and I told our kids (12 & 15) the truth, then they went to the internet for more information. What you find when you google "cancer" isn't always good, so it took a number of discussions to clarify and detail the treatment I was receiving. At one point, my son asked me if I was going to die. I assured him that I had the best medical team possible and that we were all working to make sure I didn't die. He was allright with that answer. My husband just had another discussion with the kids a few days ago. They are OK with everything that's gone on and were able to talk about what they would have liked us to have handled differently. They were hurt that we didn't tell them immediately when we got the diagnosis (we took a few days to figure out what to tell them). I am lucky to be a survivor at this point but will not hesitate to talk to them if anything else comes up.

Good luck with your own child. You know him better than anybody in the world, so do what you think is right and be open to talking about whatever questions come up.

Christine Springfield
T3/G3 - Squamous Cell/Transitional Cell Carcinomas
RC w/Studer Pouch 4/25/07

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11 years 5 months ago #6517 by wsilberstein

i havent really not told the truth, ....so at the moment i cant put my son through the whole truth , as i said before my son is a bright boy , and he doesnt realise anything other than the blood clot is a problem , had he have done so then i wouldnt have been able to not tell him , as we are open with each other and he would realise that i was keeping something fron him , the hospital appointments are checking his leg , which isnt a whole lie as the kidney is causing the leg problems .

I think you'll know when the time is right to tell your son the facts. As long as you continue honestly sharing your feelings, he may even know when it's time to ask.

-Warren
TaG3 + CIS 12/2000. TURB + Mitomycin C (No BCG)
Urethral stricture, urethroplasty 10/2009
CIS 11/2010 treated with BCG. CIS 5/2012 treated with BCG/interferon
T1G3 1/2013. Radical Cystectomy 3/5/2013, No invasive cancer. CIS in right ureter.
Incontinent. AUS implant 2/2014. AUS explant...

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11 years 5 months ago #6513 by deeasm
i havent really not told the truth, to my son, his grandad does have a bad leg still, as the tumour is invading his artery, and preventing the blood flow , from his leg back up , i just havent told him whats causing , the leg problems , and once we know what treatment and if it can be operated on then , i will tell him the whole truth , as long as my dad agrees to this , he has to look at my son knowing he knows and be able to deal with this , before my son knows , they are extremly close more like father /son , with my partner my son knew everything there was to know and that maybe he could get better or maybe he wouldnt , my son continued to see my partner up untill 5 days before he died , he didnt want to see him lying there unable to communicate , and knew that at any time he would be gone from us , at the moment i dont feel it is the right time to tell my son ,yes theres never a right time to tell any one , BUT , it is still less than 2 weeks since my partner died , and his funeral is not untill next tuesday ,so at the moment i cant put my son through the whole truth , as i said before my son is a bright boy , and he doesnt realise anything other than the blood clot is a problem , had he have done so then i wouldnt have been able to not tell him , as we are open with each other and he would realise that i was keeping something fron him , the hospital appointments are checking his leg , which isnt a whole lie as the kidney is causing the leg problems .

been with my partner for 7 years ,i have a 10 year old son .

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11 years 5 months ago #6510 by wsilberstein
An addendum to my reply; Another Reason to Keep the Conversation Real. It's hard for parents to see their kids in pain, but just because we don't see it doesn't mean it's not there. You'd be amazed at what great lengths kids will go to to protect their parents from things they think their parents don't want to hear. And you'd be equally amazed at how false reassurances and reassurances given too quickly end a conversation when it would have been better for the child to put all his feelings out there for open discussion. A child doesn't need to hear that everything will be okay when it's not. He needs to know that you'll be there for him even when it's rough for you, and that you'll get through it together.

-Warren
TaG3 + CIS 12/2000. TURB + Mitomycin C (No BCG)
Urethral stricture, urethroplasty 10/2009
CIS 11/2010 treated with BCG. CIS 5/2012 treated with BCG/interferon
T1G3 1/2013. Radical Cystectomy 3/5/2013, No invasive cancer. CIS in right ureter.
Incontinent. AUS implant 2/2014. AUS explant...

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11 years 5 months ago #6508 by wsilberstein

i really dont know how or if to tell my son about his grandad just yet , he has been affected badly by my partners passing and was aware of the illness , to turn around at the moment and tell him about his grandad , i dont think is a good idea , yet i dont want to lie either , i have tried never to lie to him , and in return i dont get any back so far anyway ;D my son is a very bright child for his age (10 ) , and at the moment thinks grandads just got a bad leg , he was aware how the blood clot could have taken his grandad straight away , i just think at the moment if i tell him the whole truth it would devistate him ,and maybe he would assume the out come to be the same as my partners , any one have an opinion on this ?

I always advise telling children the truth. When you don't tell the truth and they sense that something is wrong (which they usually do) what they imagine is often worse than the reality. But telling the truth doesn't mean giving every detail. You have to give it in terms they can understand, and maybe not all at once, leaving time to absorb some information and come back to ask questions. If you're worried you can say you're worried without putting it in the bleakest terms. If you're reluctant to talk about how you feel, your kid will be reluctant to intrude with his own feelings. You can share the scary stuff without taking away hope. You can't promise everything will be fine, but you can tell him about all the people who are fighting this battle well.
-Warren
TaG3 CIS cancer-free 6½ years, Pediatrician

-Warren
TaG3 + CIS 12/2000. TURB + Mitomycin C (No BCG)
Urethral stricture, urethroplasty 10/2009
CIS 11/2010 treated with BCG. CIS 5/2012 treated with BCG/interferon
T1G3 1/2013. Radical Cystectomy 3/5/2013, No invasive cancer. CIS in right ureter.
Incontinent. AUS implant 2/2014. AUS explant...

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11 years 5 months ago #6507 by deeasm
thanks once again wendy and tim , and tim we are booked to go away on the 23 of this month for 2 weeks for some sunshine in sunny malta ;), me my son and my 12 year old nieace are going , this holiday was booked last year , and its just what me and adam need , im just hoping that nothing is going to be booked for my dad in those 2 weeks ! surely im due a bit of luck change , im not even going to cross my fingers ???

been with my partner for 7 years ,i have a 10 year old son .

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