Doing the deed

16 years 4 days ago #14760 by Melodie
Replied by Melodie on topic Doing the deed
Lisaloo,

I am so happy to see you have brought up this subject...I have been wanting to ask the same questions. You are so cute! Being so careful in how you worded your concern...reminds me of myself 6 months ago when I had the same question...was worried about bringing that subject up on the forum and so sent Wendy a PM...she suggested a dialator...and I did try one as my spouse and I previously had a rather active sex life.

I must say, however, that although I was willing, I had no real desire from a physical standpoint and made very little progress. I know I should keep trying but it just seems so uncomfortable and takes more effort than I had expected...and I guess after working so hard to get healthy again, I didn't want to have to work at having sex. I had a hysterectomy 20 years ago, so one would think it would be easier for me but that hasn't been the case. I do think a lot of it has to do with mindset and I'm as we would say, "just not in the mood." I told my doctor to save my vagina because women have the best orgasims after 50, because previous to my RC, that was my situation, but now I have little desire to initiate one. My spouse is being very patient but it has almost been a year now since we last had intercourse. I am wondering how this is going to impact our marriage...my spouse is 7 years younger than I am and Italian and not ready to give up sex with me.

Cynthia....Thanks for sharing your thoughts...you say it has been two years since your RC...wondering how long it took after the RC before you felt intercourse was
enjoyable, rather than painful. Thanks. Melodie

Melodie, Indy Pouch, U.W.Medical Center, Seattle, Dr. Paul H. Lange & Jonathan L. Wright

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16 years 1 month ago #13601 by lisaloo
Replied by lisaloo on topic Doing the deed
Hi Cynthia
Thanks for being so open and honest.I bought KY jelly the other day thinking it might help things along.Its nice to hear it is possible to get back to normal even if it takes time.No ones suggested a dilator so I haven't a clue how stretchy things are or aren't.We will just have to give it a go.Like you said I do wonder if I am ready but sometimes you just have to give it a go and at least the day helps with the mood.
Happy Valentines to you too
Chins up
Love Lisa

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16 years 1 month ago #13595 by Cynthia
Replied by Cynthia on topic Doing the deed
Lisa,

It is nice to have someone to talk to about these things isn’t it? As for it being indelicate we talk about every body function in the world why should we shy away from this one? I think I was told it was ok to go back to relations when we felt ready after about six weeks. I also remember thinking I was not sure if I would ever be ready. It was a little like the first time after you have a baby. Rule number one is to take it slow. Rule number two is not to put yourself and your partner under pressure to make it right the first time. Honestly the first time for us we didn’t get far with penetration but we did pleasure each other. I remember crying when I had my first orgasm as I think in the back of our minds we wonder if we will be able to or if it will be the same. Have you been using a dilator? If you have you will have a good idea of what you can take as far as stretchability goes. Give yourself and your husband the gift of a good lubricant you can find them in the feminine needs area in Wal-Mart and any large drug store. I remember the first time we had intercourse and for months after I would feel a burn at first but as things went along during the event it would get better. A little like being a virgin every time for a while. We found that extended foreplay was mandatory. It will take patience and your partner needs to let you be in charge of letting him know what is ok and what is too much. Try new positions as you may find that one works better than an other. Also remember that you don’t have to go for the main event the first time just try and if it doesn’t work fully know that it is a work in progress and it takes time to stretch the vagina again. If at first you don’t succeed……. This is a good time to explore other ways of pleasuring each other. It can be a gift of a sort as you worked toward stretching your vagina try not to be as focused on vaginal intercourse and you may find that your love making becames more adventurous and varied. I will be two years out of RC in May and we are now back to normal but it does take a while.
I hope this helps and if you have questions please email me directly if you do not feel at ease posting them here. But I would rather you post them as this is an important subject that not enough is said about and we owe it to each other to share our knowledge.
Happy Valentines Day!!!!

Chin up and straight forward

Cynthia Kinsella
T2 g3 CIS 8/04
Clinical Trial
Chemotherapy & Radiation 10/04-12/04
Chemotherapy 3/05-5/05
BCG 9/05-1-06
RC w/umbilical Indiana pouch 5/06
Left Nephrectomy 1/09
President American Bladder Cancer Society

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16 years 1 month ago #13594 by lisaloo
Doing the deed was created by lisaloo
Hi
It being Valentines day and all that I thought we might try to reconsumate our marraige to try and put it delicately.We havent tried to since my RC and I dont even know if its possible.I look a bit of a site to say the least but would at least like to show willing.
How long is it normal to wait and is it likely to be a disaster.I know it wont be the same due to the hysterectomy and shorter vagina but any tips would be really cool.
Sorry if this is a bit too personal but I dont really know who else to ask.
Lisa x

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